Thursday, April 17, 2014

Lily's Birth Story

Disclaimer - Just as with my other birth stories, I kept Lily's birth story very detailed and for that reason this might be way too much for some (many?) people to read. Imagine a gigantic TMI sign hanging above this post.

Birth is crazytown. And funkytown. It's funny, it's scary, it's hard, it's amazing, and it's full of the weirdest shit a person might ever experience in their life. I believe that however a person gives birth it will include all those things.

Let this disclaimer be a heads up that sometimes I explain things in graphic terms. I do not, however, show graphic pictures so no worries on that front. And if anyone is doing Hypnobirthing or Hypnobabies, you might want to come back and read this story after you give birth. My tale doesn't include anything too scary and this was my smoothest and best birth experience (all three were unmedicated and I somewhat relied on self-hypnosis techniques for all three births), but at the same time I do tell it like I experienced it using non-hypno terms, so I want you to be able to decide if this is something you want to take in.

Okay, you all may proceed now that you have been adequately warned.

Saturday, March 29, 2014
40 Weeks, 2 Days Pregnant

In the days and weeks leading up to Lily's birth, I found myself in the challenging situation of trying to catch my labor very early on so that I could prevent a highway baby (fast labor history + hemorrhage history = risky combo). Why was this so challenging given that I've done this rodeo two times before? Well, in the last weeks of my pregnancies I find I have early labor symptoms most days, including hours of having timeable contractions. So basically I found myself giving a  "heads up" text message to Raj and my mom or sister-in-law (our planned childcare providers) practically every other day at the end. In fact, my parents ended up doing TWO practice spend-the-nights due to some tricky timeable contractions combined with bad snowy/icy weather. Whoops! Hope you guys enjoyed those bonus nights on our futon! I felt like I was always crying preggy wolf and it left me feeling like such a newbie. Shouldn't I know exactly what an early "This is it!" contraction should feel like? It appears I did not. Physically, I was doing well at the end of my pregnancy but mentally I was beginning to get pretty exhausted by the endless, "Maybe today?" question.

Thus, when I woke up on Saturday, March 29, two days past my due date, with a hunch I was in labor, well...I wasn't letting myself get too excited. But at the same time, I had a pretty good feeling about this day - it seemed just different enough from the get go. Thankfully this time I was right!

4 AM -  I woke up in the car bed with Oliver feeling particularly crampy and noticed some contractions here and there. Normally all was quiet on the uterus front in the mornings (evenings were usually my time for false labor) so this was different. Even more convincingly, there was a lot of *TMI ALERT* bloody show business going on. This wasn't brand new since I had been having some of that for a couple days, especially after the midwife gently swept my membranes on Thursday, but, again, this seemed different. And was my belly even lower? Also: much pooping. But I refused to give that any attention after the past few weeks. Because in the past few weeks? Much pooping.

Since I slept from 9:30 PM - 4 AM, I was actually feeling really quite good so I decided not to fight against the inevitable insomnia that would happen if I tried to go back to sleep. I went to the guest bedroom/nursery to read my e-book: "And When She Was Good" by Laura Lippman. (I recommend it for fans of "Gone Girl.")

6 AM - I decided to take a full-on shower that included hair washing and shaving, just in case things did start to go faster. I also put on make-up because I'm vain enough to want to look somewhat put together in birth pictures. It is so far from my norm to be showered and made-up before 6:30 AM on a Saturday, but I figured it would be easier to get all that done before the kids woke up. At this point I was pretty sure today was going to be the day. Or maybe I was trying to will today into being the day with outlandish behaviors like showering on a Saturday morning.

As I got ready I read through the birth affirmations posted on my mirror.  More affirmations were posted on the fridge and above my desk. I posted affirmations for the other two births so it seemed only right to do it a third time. Like many of my somewhat questionable, hippie woo-woo birthing choices, it comes down to "Why not?" If it might help and it can't hurt, then why not?

6:30 AM - I was showered and ready and by now the kids were up and demanding attention. Husband attempted to continue to snooze, but that didn't work out for him when he was awoken by his lovely wife's violent heaving in the master bathroom. #PregnancyIsBeautiful I had caught a whiff of Oliver's diaper that needed changing (he wasn't even close by, I just have super powers of the nose at the beginning and end of pregnancy) and suddenly I was gagging and scrambling to set down the dishes I had just gathered up to bring downstairs so I could run to the bathroom for the usual good-morning-heave-ho. My family is so blasé to these types of antics that Husband continued to lay in bed and the kids continued to play. I was mildly annoyed that they didn't even flinch as I was puking but it was enough to wake Raj up, so win? :)   
[Husband: I love waking to the sound of gagging and wretching first thing in the I alone here?]

7 AM - I told Raj that this *might* be the day which he didn't take seriously at all since I had cried preggy wolf on that topic many times before. To his credit he just nodded and said okay. We spent a leisurely morning together as a family. I found the kids to be unusually snuggly with me. They both just wanted to lie on the couch next to me and did so for long stretches of time - up to 30 minutes. This is not their morning norm!
[Husband: I've witnessed Laura going into labor now twice before and while I knew we were trying to catch this early, I just didn't have the feeling that any of the times were really it thus far, including this morning's signs.]

It was sweet to have that time with the kids. The cat was also aggressively snuggly. I mentioned this to Raj and he told me a story about a cat in a nursing home who would curl up with residents in the last days before they died. Um...NOT HELPFUL, RAJ! But, as he pointed out (after I pointed out that death wasn't really my end goal here), that it was more that little ones and animals recognize big changes and in my case it was simply the addition of life. And in Raj's defense, he didn't know I was harboring a fear of death in childbirth.

9:30 AM - Our babysitter arrived for a short, last-minute shift that I booked the day before when I realized I was probably still going to be pregnant for a while and that I could use rest any chance I could get. It worked out well because Raj had to do some work for a couple hours so I avoided some bonus solo parenting hours. Raj was mildly annoyed that I didn't want to go hang out at a coffee shop with him while he worked, but when you are 40+ weeks it's just not exactly fun to go sit in a chair for a couple hours. The only comfortable position was standing or lying on my side at that point, so I decided to use the babysitter time to rest in bed and time contractions.
[Husband: I don't know if annoyed would really be the adjective I'd use to describe my emotion.  I just like to have company and it seemed like it would be nice to look up from work and see my wife sipping tea/coffee.  Kind of like study time in the library back in college.  It's not like you were there to talk, just study together, peek up from time to time, look at each other, make a funny face, you know.]
(Poor Raj continues to struggle with independent play, just like his oldest daughter.)

10:00 AM - I gave my mom a "heads up" text and listed out my current symptoms. Funny story - during one of my false labor incidents I accidentally texted the guy who coordinates our monthly cleaning service "contractions 5 minutes apart, keep you posted." LOLOLOL. He had a sense of humor about it and I'm VERY glad there was no "frequent pooing" or "bloody show" info in that text.

11:30 AM - After a couple hours of sporadic contractions I realized that I had been wrong AGAIN and today was not going to be the day. So annoying and this was all getting to be such a big mind game. (My word choice might not have been so polite.) Oh well. At least I hadn't told my parents to come over again. I gave Raj a text to see if he wanted to meet for lunch, figuring we might as well squeeze in a last date before baby came seeing as the sitter was already here and he was game. I threw on some clothes, told the babysitter I was heading out, gave the kids a hug before leaving and then met Raj outside where he was waiting in his car.

12:00 PM - We decided on sushi because lighter food appealed to me and sushi pretty much always seems like a good idea, even when I'm battling mild nausea. And no, I didn't really follow most proper pregnancy food guidelines this pregnancy. I probably had sushi at least five times over the course of this pregnancy. To think I practically had a nervous breakdown after I ate sushi while pregnant with Bella! It is such a stereotypical thing to get so much more lax with each pregnancy.

I decided to make sure to order more spicy stuff, figuring it couldn't hurt to try to nudge baby out. I don't really put much stock into labor induction techniques truly inducing labor after trying them all with Bella and having them not work (she was born at 41 weeks, 1 day). Maybe all those labor induction techniques can give you an edge if you are already just about to go into labor, but I think your body has to be almost there itself. At this point I wasn't willing to invest $$ in evening primrose oil supplements at Whole Foods or an acupuncture session to get baby out since I was just a couple days past 40 weeks, but stuff that was free or that I would partake in anyway? Well, I could do that!
We split this plate. I wanted to eat more (and usually I could pack away that entire amount myself), but my sad little squished stomach meant I had to put the brakes on very early.

After sushi I told Raj we should take a quick comparison picture since my first bump picture was taken by Lake Minnetonka. As it turned out - my last belly picture was taken there, too!

1 PM - We went home to relieve our sitter. Oliver was already napping and we got Bella set up with the iPad so she could watch a show and then  *TMI ALERT* I convinced Raj to take part in one more common labor induction technique. I used him for his prostaglandins. And I will delete this particular time point in the birth-story in the years to come because no child should have to read that in their birth story :) (See also: references to pooping in labor.) (Double also: Thank the powers that be that I NEVER EVER EVER have to have super pregnant sex again. Because NO. NONONONONONO and NO. NO. Also funny - I find it almost pervy that Raj is willing to have sex with a pregnant lady. Like I judge him for that a little. Haaaaa! Okay. Done talking about that. And it's a good thing my parents and in-laws don't read my blog, no?)
[Hmmm, judged for loving her no matter what shape/condition she might be in.  Aren't there women out there who like that kind of unconditional love and affection?  BTW, it was a bit strange but all in a day's work.]

1:30 - The rest of the afternoon proceeded like usual: Oliver took a long nap, Bella watched a couple shows and then did some quiet coloring by herself, Raj paid some bills, and I lounged and ate way too many jelly beans and mini Cadbury eggs while Toonses, harbinger of - hopefully - life and not death, attempted to sleep on my face. Later Bella joined me and we read some books and cuddled together. During that time my mom checked in with me and I told her I was basically back to no contractions and that I was apparently being a trickster once again.

3:30 PM - I woke up Oliver with the promise that we were going to head outside soon for a walk since it was finally a warmer day. Before leaving we all snacked on some freshly cut pineapple. (Walking and pineapple just happen to be common labor induction techniques #3 and #4...)

4:45 PM - We got home, I made some guacamole to go with our dinner and then we all headed upstairs to give the kids a 'fun bath'.

5:15 PM - I had a contraction that seemed stronger than the previous ones. And then several minutes later it happened again. I was texting my blog-friend-turned-real-friend Blue Jean Amy (who had been kept disturbingly up to date my entire pregnancy so she is more aware of my bodily functions than anyone else in this world) and I felt the need to report these last two contractions.
At this point I wasn't too convinced it meant anything since walking or physical activity always ramped up my contractions.

5:30 PM - Bathtime ended and we went back downstairs to make vegetarian nachos, which had sounded appetizing initially but now I suddenly found myself without any appetite.

5:45 PM - My back was hurting and I said "Ooh, that hurt a little" after the next contraction.  Raj eyed me and my quiet moaning and groaning ways and he said he thought this might be it. I still figured I was being psychosomatic...and I also didn't want to get my hopes up again. Raj encouraged me to send my mom a quick text to keep her in the loop. I felt like this was premature but did as he asked.
[Husband: I knew right away.  It's weird, it's like a part of my brain turned on and I was ready, as I knew I had seen these very signs before.  I knew that today was going to be it so I grabbed the video camera to pack it.  It was something about the way she was shifting her weight and moving her hips.  It was like a signature.]

5:50 PM - I went upstairs to rest and start timing contractions while the kids and Raj ate dinner (the nacho smell was making me nauseous).

6:10 PM - I texted my mom again to let her know that things continued to feel like real labor, but that I wanted to give it another 30 minutes before having her come.

6:30 PM - Now that I had experienced over an hour of regular-ish contractions (although they seemed to vary between 5-7 minutes apart and occasionally just 2-3 minutes), I was fairly convinced this was it. Real labor. Maybe? At this point I did ask my mom and dad to come. Even if this turned out to be false labor it was beginning to seem like I should get to the hospital. But lordy, I was going to feel like a real poophead if my parents had to spend another night at my house for nothing. I finished the last of the packing and took another quick shower and refreshed my make-up.

7 PM - I called the midwife/labor & delivery to let them know I was coming. I felt sort of foolish since I was still obviously completely functional and chipper on the phone.

7:05 PM - Raj took a little video of the kids and me.

7:10 PM - My parents arrived.

7:15 PM - A selfie on our way out the door.

7:20 PM - I had to choke back tears as I finished saying goodbye to the kids and my parents. Actually, I did cry a little once I was out of sight from the kids. It's a big deal to head to the hospital to have your baby and my fears around childbirth meant this goodbye felt extra loaded. But once we were in the car I decided to shake off those fears and just focus on the moment. I popped in my headphones and started listening to Hypnobabies. I think I only practiced my Hypnobabies stuff once during this entire pregnancy, but I figured my diligent practice everyday for months during Oliver's pregnancy would count towards this pregnancy and carry me through :)

7:35 PM - "Um...Raj? I haven't had any contractions. Maybe I'm not in labor." And then I had a contraction. Oh yeah. I'm in labor. I think.

7:45 PM - We arrived at hospital and I gave a loud groan as I had a contraction while getting out of the car. Then I noticed a young couple walking out to their car near us in the parking ramp. Oh, hi there! Don't mind the hulking pregnant lady! Walking into the hospital was smooth and easy since it was still visiting hours (they lock all doors but the Emergency Department after 9 or 10 PM). For a third time I have managed to not have to walk through the hospital or take the elevator during a busy time while in labor and I am a million bazillion times thankful for that. (I arrived at 10:30 PM on a Monday with Bella and 7:30 AM on a Friday with Oliver.)

8 pm - Triage. My least favorite part. Well, that's not true. Transition. Pushing. Those probably qualify as least favorite parts of the labor and birthing process, but those seem non-negotiable in a way that triage doesn't. Triage is one of those things you have to deal with if you birth at a hospital. Were I not prone to hemorrhage I would have probably considered home birth very seriously, but...anyway. I got changed into a gown and climbed up on the bed and completed a 20-minute non-stress test. It revealed I was having regular contractions every three minutes. The nurse also took my vitals and asked a bunch of questions, including what and when I last ate. Ooh, that was a little awkward. "Ummmm..a bunch of candy at 2 pm? Oh yeah, and a couple chips with guacamole at 5 pm." Look at the dietitian carefully fuel her labor with optimal nutrition! Incidentally, this was the only birth where I didn't force down a granola bar or small snack in early labor because I KNEW it would just come back up. So a jelly-bean-fueled delivery it was and that worked out fine.

8:20 PM - The midwife on duty, Amy, was a favorite of mine from over the years so I was glad she would be attending my birth. This was going to be the first time that I had previously met the person who would be delivering my baby (though I didn't mind not knowing the providers for Bella's and Oliver's births). Amy checked me and pronounced me at 3 cm, 80%, which was EXACTLY the same as what I had been a few days ago at my 40 week appointment. Hmmm... Given the lack of progress and no super obvious signs of being in labor, Amy implied that there was a good chance we would end up heading home but I could walk the halls in the meantime to see if I progressed. She said she would check me again at 9:30 PM.
[Husband: I felt like saying something because it definitely seemed like the midwife thought we came in prematurely but what would I say?  'No, I know.  I've seen this twice before.  I know her signs.' So I went along and thought, she'll see, we'll be having this baby before midnight.]

8:25-8:50 Walking the halls was a brand new experience for me, as was the possible "threat" of being sent home. For Bella's birth I purposefully labored at home for quite a while and arrived at 6 cm and she was delivered 3 hours later. For Oliver's birth I purposefully went fairly early and arrived at the hospital at 4 cm and he was delivered 2 hours later. For this birth I managed to get there VERY early, which was always my goal, but the threat of being sent home threw me a bit. However, at this point I was pretty convinced I was in labor, especially with the way each contraction seemed more pronounced than the last. But I did what I was told and walked the halls (and felt completely awkward doing it) while listening to my Hypnobabies track. I also made several stops in the bathroom by the charge nurse to pee. Mostly I wished I could be in a room so I could settle in and get going on my labor. At this point I was having that feeling of "I don't want to do this." I wanted to fast forward several hours. I texted that sentiment to both my sister and my friend Amy.

8:50 PM - Contractions were starting to feel quite strong and I was over being in the halls. It just felt way too public. So I labored in the triage room. Raj took some video, which I wasn't even really aware of at the time. I was aware that his counter pressure on my back was kind of lame and now I know why - haha! Since Raj could see how much labor had picked up and I voiced the same thought, we decided to ask that I be checked sooner in hopes of moving into a labor & delivery room instead of the teeny triage room.
[There is a video here that doesn't show up on smart phones and feed readers so you might want to click over to the actual blog post.]

9 PM -  Amy, the midwife, came back to check me again: still 3 cm and 80%! This surprised me and I wondered if I would have to keep wandering the halls. I had a feeling my cervix was staying on lockdown until I was in a place I felt comfortable letting go. Amy observed a couple contractions and saw how they had changed in the past hour so between that and her knowing my history of fast labors, we were allowed to be admitted. Yay! I was so glad to finally have the chance to get settled and get the show on the road. 
[Husband: Now I was 100% sure.  Laura was having to concentrate, focus and breathe through the contractions.  I knew that once she got to her room she would relax and things would progress more quickly so I tried to be nice but assertive that we needed to get her to her room now.  Amy, the midwife, still seemed like she was humoring us a bit but said she'd request the room.]

9:20 - We had a brief wait while they prepared a delivery room and then we took a long walk down the hall to the room where the big event would take place. I immediately felt much less confined in the larger room. I wanted to try out the tub right away, but both the midwife and the nurse encouraged me to wait for a bit since it can stall labor. So I did some contractions leaning over the bed and also leaning on a birthing ball that was set up on the bed. Neither felt that great, but contractions were still relatively manageable so it was fine. While I worked through a few contractions, Raj set things up: he put Hypnobabies on in the background, got ice and washcloths from the nurse for putting on my forehead to help with labor pains, and also worked with the nurse to cover the clock (a big distraction in my delivery with Bella). The nurse checked on the baby during a contraction using a doppler and set up my IV so I could get my pitocin after giving birth. Pitocin is more commonly known for inducing labor, but it's also used to contract the uterus and decrease blood loss after birth.

9:55 - Amy stopped in to see how I was doing. I was sure some progress had been made now that I was in a more comfortable space so when she offered to check me again, I agreed. Sure enough I had progressed a bit, although it was less than I would have expected: I was now 4 cm and 90 % effaced. However, I wasn't really going to sweat the "slow" (for me) progress. One of my biggest fears for this delivery was not making it to the hospital in time for the birth so the fact that I arrived comfortably early meant a big worry had already gone away. This helped me just to relax into the experience and go along with whatever timing was going to happen. I requested again to get into the tub and even though it was still "early" in labor, they went with my request and started filling it up.

10 PM - I put on my bikini top and got into the nice warm tub. Now I just needed a glass of wine and it would be vacation! Haaaa. I wasn't sure if I would like laboring in a warm tub or not since I'm generally aversive to warm temperatures and things like hot showers or baths when I'm nauseous. And nauseous I was, just like with all my other births. Happily, the tub felt relaxing. Well, to be clear it felt relaxing between contractions. During the contractions it was nice to lean over the cool edge or even rock on all fours while the nurse applied counter pressure to my back and Raj put the cold washcloth on my forehead.

I have to say - there is something about the cold washcloth on the forehead that has magical powers for me. I can't imagine such a thing working for me in any other scenario, but for all three births I found it to be an exceptionally helpful coping technique. It gives me a distinct focal point and a distinct sensation (i.e. cold) and then I put all my thought into my cold forehead when the contraction hits. While this isn't a Hypnobirthing or Hypnobabies thing (I have used both in previous births), I do think it complements my hypnosis training. It's my version of anesthesia, I think.
[Husband: At this point my excitement was building because I could see that the contractions were intense and I had a role in trying to help Laura get through each one, which she did a great job of.  What was a bit odd was that after each one, she was just like normal, talking, present, etc. no million mile stares like with Bella or Ollie, so I was wondering if we were going to have a longer labor this time.]

10:05 PM - The midwife left to answer a page.

10:15 pm - I had the urge to pee so the nurse helped me out of the tub. On the very short walk to the bathroom (we are talking 10 steps tops) I had two more contractions. Clearly I had reached the part of labor where the slightest movement sent my body into a contraction. I sat down to pee and was annoyed by the "hat" the nurse had put in the toilet to measure my urine output. It was giving me weird pee anxiety to have that there. And then suddenly I felt very, very nauseous and I realized I would soon throw up. I mentioned this and the nurse handed me the very scary blue emesis bag. I have a major aversion to things like puke bowls and tiny little receptacles for puking so I knew I would have a problem with that emesis bag. However, I wasn't sure if I was "allowed" to puke in anything else. So I very politely asked it it would be okay if I puked in the trash can. Raj, not a rule follower like me, said "Hon! It doesn't matter! Just puke in the trash can" and he picked it up to hold it in front of me. I turned to the nurse and asked again if it was okay. She was a little taken aback (probably because what laboring weirdo pauses before they puke to get special permission?) and said something like "Well, we prefer you to use the bag but it's fine." With permission granted, I gracefully (ha, no) vomited pretty violently into the garbage can. Hello transition! I half expected my water to break with the vomiting since that happened with Oliver. Since I have always thrown up in transition with every birth, Raj recognized it for what it was pretty quickly. I also had my suspicions that I was now pretty far along in my labor except I was feeling more 'with it' so I wasn't convinced. When Raj mentioned his suspicions that I was going through transition to the nurse, she was very much NOT convinced. "Well, let's not label anything. It is what it is." Since the midwife was still gone, Raj mentioned that maybe she should be paged to come back.   
[Husband: Now the assertive part of me was getting a bit annoyed.  I was acting as Laura's doula or assistant.  This was the third time I had been through this with her.  I knew what was happening and I was pissed that the nurse wasn't really listening/believing that I was calling this right.  In fact, I find that, as the husband, you're treated a bit like a second-class citizen in these settings, which I get and try to roll with but when my wife's and baby's safety are at risk, I get a little edgy so I said "You should get Amy on the phone and tell her she should make her way back down here, she's in transition."]

10:25 - I made my way out of the bathroom and back to the tub but movement was now getting very challenging. The contractions were really ramping up now and my body started doing that shaking thing that it did during my other two births. I don't know if the trembling comes from adrenaline or if it's just a nervous reaction. Contractions began to feel very long and so much stronger. I felt like each one was going on for at least two minutes and mentioned that in between contractions, but Raj said he didn't think they were more than a minute. At this point I was very vocal with each contraction and doing my "typical" low, gutteral roar/groan noises. The contractions were so long that I was running out of roaring power by the end of each one and my throat was getting so dry. (My throat was super sore and scratchy the next day - just like with my other births.) One nice thing about this birth experience was that I was feeling distinct periods of rest in between contractions. With Oliver's birth and also with the end of Bella's birth, I found that there wasn't a rest in between contractions, they seemed to pile on top of each other. This time, however, the contractions were more "textbook" like. They came in waves and when they were over I was calm and lucid and even joking.

There were a few mantras that I kept repeating in my head that really helped me during this birth. Actually some of them helped me even prior to the birth to combat the anxiety I had surrounding the actual event of childbirth. The mantras were "the only way out is through" and "this simply must be borne" (labor pun! womp, womp) and "this is the last time." Obviously the last one only works for some women, but the other two were pretty critical. Once I was moved to the delivery room I found I was able to put aside the thought of "I don't want to do this" and instead embraced that I was doing it and this was happening. During Oliver's birth I felt completely overcome once the contractions ramped up. I had a strong, strong desire to run away from my body and to flee the scene, but, of course, you can't. This is one time in your life (or three times in my case) where you simply have to do it. You have to move forward, you can't back away, this is IT. You are living it and you must live it. So for this birth I was able to keep that thought in the forefront of my mind. I was here, I was in it, I must live through it. No sense wasting brain space on wanting to escape or not do it. Better to dive into it, let it happen and see it through. And I think, no, I know, that attitude made a difference in how I experienced this birth. I let the contractions roll over me and take over and I coped using the best known techniques for me (mostly the cold washcloth on my forehead, but counter pressure on my back was great this time, too) and then when the contraction was over I took a break. I felt like I was still in my body, which was different from the more "out of body" type experiences with my other two births. Consequently, the thought of an epidural didn't even occur to me during this birth since overall it just didn't seem as intense (though, to be clear, it was still a very! intense! thing!)

Of course, the fact I was being pretty calm and chill was probably why the nurse wasn't taking Raj too seriously about how close I was to delivery!

10:35 PM - As I labored on all fours in the tub, I found myself wanting to push my body forward during each contraction, to the point where I was smashing my forehead into the cool cloth Raj was holding there. I think this allowed me a sort of a counter to all the pressure going in the other direction in my lower body. I also found myself clutching Raj's shirt and arms, which I hadn't done during the other births. (I distinctly remember a visual of clutching on to Raj's ubiquitous William & Mary sweatshirt.) I realized at one point mid-contraction that I had grabbed the nurse's arm by accident and quickly switched to Raj's arm. I'm sure she gets held onto all the time, but I felt more comfortable leaving a possible bruise on my husband than the very kind nurse!  I asked out loud how some women just quietly labor in silence and then calmly pluck their babies out of their vaginas. HOW??!?
[Husband: At this point, my brain recalled the very distinct sound in Laura's 'vocalizations' (for lack of a better descriptor) and it told me we were getting close.  I looked at the nurse very squarely and said with deliberate calm but with intensity, 'we need Amy to be here...NOW.'  She got up and called her again.]

10:38 PM - I was starting to feel pressure to push, which after giving birth twice I now can recognize as a strong urge to poo. I crossed my fingers I wasn't about to take a big poo and that what I was feeling was indeed the baby.
[Husband: Laura, ever the polite person, apologized in advance in case she pooped.  I said, 'hon, don't worry about that, just focus on relaxing and letting your body do what it needs to."]

10:40 PM -  The midwife returned to the room and after observing a contraction she noted there was a major difference from when she left 40 minutes ago. She wanted to check me (and I was very curious, too) so I carefully lumbered out of the tub with the nurse's and Raj's assistance and headed to the bed. I had a few contractions before I could get into a position to be checked.

10:50 PM - A check revealed me to be 8 cm (so that's 4 cm in an hour), but my cervix was "very soft." Amy mentioned that my bag of waters was in front of baby's head and it was likely causing a lot of pressure. She suggested breaking the bag of waters manually. I had my waters broken manually late in labor with Bella and it helped spur the last bit of labor along, so I was all for this plan. I warned the midwife that the baby was probably going to come immediately after my water broke. I'm not sure what had me so convinced of that, but it honestly felt like a given. The nurse and midwife seemed to agree that this last bit was going to go fast as they began suiting up all hazmat-style.

10:55 PM - After breaking my water (which was thankfully clear and free of meconium), I felt a nice release of pressure. Amy had me do a strange sort of position which apparently helps the baby descend in an ideal fashion. Basically I flipped my left leg over my right and hung my left leg over the edge of the bed. At this point I felt another surge of intensity and I knew there would be no water birth as there was no possible way I could move from the bed at this point. This baby was going to be born on dry land in a hospital bed like his or her siblings. Thankfully I had no problems letting go of giving birth in the water. All along I had considered water birth just a possibility and not something that had to happen. Amy asked if I was feeling pressure and I certainly was feeling a very strong urge to poo so I said that I was. She asked how I wanted to deliver and on a whim I picked hands and knees. I can't say why I picked that position since I felt so self-conscious during Oliver's birth given the fact that my bum was so on display in that position. This time? Meh, didn't care and it just seemed the easiest position to choose in that moment.

10:58 PM - I began pushing with the next contraction and could feel a substantial movement in my body followed by the very distinct (and frankly, very awful) ring of fire sensation. Everything in my body said to PUSH THAT BABY OUT IMMEDIATELY, but Amy told me, "Laura, I need you to wait for the next contraction before you push again. You won't tear if you wait for the contraction." I whimpered in pain and tried to deal with waiting but after 10 seconds passed without a contraction (it felt like at least 5 minutes) I decided I couldn't do it. My face was smashed in the pillow of the elevated head of the bed and for the first time in all my births I really, REALLY could not fight off the urge to push. All the other times I pushed only because they said I could. This time I couldn't NOT push. There was a head and limbs and a BABY stuck in my vagina and IT DID NOT FEEL GOOD. I swear I could feel the angles of bones and everything. I wanted it out (in that moment the baby felt more like an "it" than my precious spawn) and didn't give two hoots about the tearing. I could deal with some tearing and had recovered from two previous tears without much trouble. What I could not deal with was THAT MUCH BABY in my vagina. So I started cheating and doing little pushes (I do believe I thought maybe I could sneak that in and not have anyone notice - haha). After a minute of pseudo-sneaky pushes and no new contraction I basically thought f-it and pushed baby out the rest of the way and felt the sweet relief of the immediate release of pressure as the baby and the remainder of the water left my body. I did get a minor second degree tear since I didn't wait for a contraction to push, but you know what? No regrets. Absolutely none. I would do the same thing all over again and I will never forget the sweet relief of having that baby come out of me.

11 PM - The baby is out!

I heard cheering as I lay with my face down in the pillow and simply rested for a moment with my bum hanging out as the centerpiece for the party taking place behind me. Someone (Raj?) announced it was a girl. I felt no surprise about this fact and while I was happy to have a baby girl, it honestly felt like a neutral sort of observation. It held as much weight for me in that moment as the fact she had a full head of hair. Maybe this neutral reaction was because I felt pretty strongly all along that she was a girl (based on the longer nausea, higher heart rate, and then at the end the predicted smaller size) but I think it was more to do with the fact that giving birth is just so huge, especially when it comes on and happens so fast like it does for me, that my brain simply cannot process other major things. Besides, I was truly excited about either option and didn't have a strong preference either way.
[Husband: It was me who announced that it was a girl.  Amy held the baby up and said, 'Dad, can you tell us what you have?' I was excited to see the baby but Laura had kind of collapsed forward so I wanted to check her, too so I kind of looked over quickly and didn't see a penis so I called it out as being a girl.]

Mostly what I felt in the moments after birth was relief. Physical relief obviously, but a good deal of mental relief. In those immediate post birth moments I was just feeling so glad that the birth part was over (though there was still the placenta delivery and hemorrhage prevention to come) and that the baby was alive and well. I felt euphoric with relief.

11:02 PM - I had to carefully maneuver myself over the baby and the umbilical cord to recline in the bed (umbilical cords are the creepiest, aren't they?) and they placed her on my chest.

There is a video of me exclaiming over her and checking her out and saying so happily "Oh, never again! She's wonderful but never again!" We shared what her name was with the midwife and nurse: Lilian "Lily" Jade. As a funny aside - I later asked Raj if he peeked while she was coming out and he said "You know, I couldn't see the upside to doing that again." Lolz. I have non judgment about that choice at all since I can hardly stand to watch a birth video. Future doula, I am not.
[Husband: yeah, I looked when Bella was coming/came out and, you know, I just didn't need to do that again.  Not that there's anything gross or weird about it, it's just that I like thinking about that area more from a recreational perspective as opposed to a functional perspective.]

11:05 PM - Lily was a little on the mellow side, resulting in lower apgar scores than either of my other kids (6 initially and a 7 five minutes later) so they rushed a bit to have Raj cut the cord once it stopped pulsing. The pediatric nurse suctioned her nose and that did perk her up a bit but just to be on the safe side, they brought her to the warming table to give her a thorough check. Raj went to stand by the warming table. Meanwhile the midwife had started the protocol for managed third stage of labor which included some gentle pulling on the placenta (she waited for the initial cues that my body was ready to deliver it) and they also started up the IV pitocin which I would continue to get for the next 12 hours (one liter super fast and then a second liter slowly). The placenta passed easily, but the (inevitable for me, it seems) heavy bleeding began so she also inserted cytotec into my rectum to further clamp down my uterus (that was a painful moment). I also got extra uterine massage (pressing down hard on the uterus) and a short while later the final piece of my higher-than-usual managed third stage was when the midwife manually reached inside my uterus to remove some clots. Like she REACHED HER WHOLE HAND AND ARM IN AND SCRAPED IT AROUND MY UTERUS. Like I was a farm animal. That was...unpleasant. But not as big of a deal as I would have imagined such an experience to be, especially when one considers I had no pain medication. (Raj had no idea this happened since he was over at the warming table with the baby. He is very glad to have missed that once-in-a-lifetime visual.)
[Husband: Yep, didn't feel like I missed out on anything there.]

11:15 PM - Raj had a few moments of skin-to-skin with the baby after she checked out just fine.

11:20 PM - Lily was brought back to me and she started nursing with a strong little suck. Go baby, go! I gazed down at her, still feeling a bit dazed from it all, and just stared at her face and little hands. Meanwhile I was getting stitched up which is never much fun, but also not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. The most painful part of that is when you get the numbing shots before they start stitching. There were also lots of blood pressure checks to keep tabs on me and my blood loss.
Since I have experienced this type of birth (i.e. one with excessive bleeding) twice before I found myself much more able to roll with it. I felt very bothered and frustrated with all the extra interventions after the other two births. I can remember so clearly feeling like I wanted to shout "Leave me alone!" as I tried to snuggle with my new baby.

But this time I felt fairly blissed out as I bonded with my new baby in spite of all the work being done on me.  Yes, there was a lot of annoying shit happening between someone putting medicine up my rectum and the blood pressure cuff painfully squeezing my right arm again and again while my left arm was attached to an IV drip. Somehow I was supposed to hold my baby and initiate nursing with these two compromised arms, which was no easy task. But this time around it was really okay; that annoying shit was for the greater good. My primary goal was to minimize blood loss however possible, so I was basically like, "Bring it on! Give me all the pitocin and cytotec you got and give it to me however you want! Up the pooper? Sounds fab!"

11:25 PM - This was the point where it occurred to me that I should be doing that crazy placenta business. (If you recall I had decided to try out the bizarre but apparently helpful move of putting a piece of placenta in between my cheeks and gums as a way to stop postpartum bleeding. Read the linked post for more info.) I asked the midwife to cut me off a little piece. "How big?" she asked. Um...dime sized? Or something? I had no idea what to compare it to. Raj and a nurse found some ice to put the wee placenta piece on and then it was rinsed off. And then came the moment where I put it in my mouth....
It really wasn't that bad. Between the fact it was rinsed and cold (and there were 30 other things going on all over my body) it didn't even register as having a taste. I tucked it in my cheek and this cracked up the midwife and Raj. Just me and mah chewin' tobaccy. For the record I think that placenta smoothies are WAY grosser than what I did. Blending dairy with fresh placenta meat? NO. (Pretty sure the lady who puts raw placenta in her mouth doesn't get to judge other placenta weirdos.)

12 PM - At some point all the necessary repairs to my lady bits were taken care of and Lily was weighed and measured (8 lbs, 5 oz, 20 inches and 14.25 cm head). The midwife finished and congratulated us and left to check on her other patients and the pediatric nurse was done too. The nurse stayed to continue taking vitals and monitoring me but mostly all the excitement had quieted down. We settled in for the (non-restful) night in the hospital room.  Nights in the hospital are lame, but the truth of the matter was that I wouldn't have slept a wink even if I'd been home. The amount of adrenaline coursing through my body after giving birth means I'm ramped up and just want to talk and think about what just happened. This is the opposite of my normal reaction to stress, which is extreme sleepiness. Raj, on the other hand, also goes opposite from his usual ways and he full on passed out on the fold-out bench bed. So I was left to lay in my bed and shout things on twitter about how excited I was :)  

The Next Day - Now while nights in the hospital are fairly pesky with all the visits and interruptions, the daytimes were rather relaxing - that is one advantage compared to a birthing center or a home birth. I got to order room service and watch cable! WHEE! This was the first time I ever found myself really enjoying a hospital visit and found it to be a pseudo-vacation. I had heard of women who felt that way, but couldn't imagine feeling it myself. Apparently the tipping point for that to happen for me is 3 kids :)

Later that morning Lily got to meet her Big Brother Oliver and Big Sister Bella, who were so very excited to meet her.

And it was then that I realized we had turned the page to the next chapter to start life as a family of five.

Honestly it all still seems so surreal. All of it. From even getting pregnant in the first place to the delivery to the fact I have a little bundle of sweet baby sleeping next to me as I type this. How incredible it all is and how mind boggling that our bodies can grow babies and then have that baby come out of us. But even though life doesn't feel quite real right now, I have an overwhelming sense of completeness with this baby. I feel like my birth experience with Lily was such an awesome way to end my childbearing years. I'm so happy with how her birth turned out and feel very grateful that it went better than I could have expected. It's like I took all the things I learned from the first two and was able to apply it for this last one. This was my best and easiest (RELATIVE term, obviously!) birth experience. But the most important part is that we are so happy to have Lily join our family.  
[Husband: Laura is such an incredibly strong and beautiful woman.  I'm amazed at her in normal life but to see her give birth humbles me completely.  She has given birth to and raised three beautiful children and from her they learn to emulate her patience and enduring love.  I'm truly a better man because of my family.  I know at the end of each and every day that they are my life, they define me.  They make me feel worthwhile.  Like I'm important.  Like I've done something good.  I used to search for that in work but the most liberating thing for me is knowing work is nothing compared to my family.  I could work for twenty years and it would never give me even a small fraction of the satisfaction and joy that my family has given me in just the last six months.  Work probably won't exhaust or frustrate me as much either but family time is all about those little moments...when you see your kids hug each other and you know that you played a part in helping them learn to be good to one another or you see your wife bring life into this world and you have new hope that the world can be a kind, loving place where your kids can grow up safe and happy.]

THE END to the very last birth story I will ever tell. I really mean it this time :)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

HALO 100% Cotton Muslin Swaddle Blanket Review & a Giveaway (Sponsored)

Shortly before Lily was born, I was contacted by HALO, of the SleepSack Wearable Blanket fame, and asked if I was interested in reviewing their new 100% Cotton Muslin Swaddle Blanket. Since I literally had "swaddle blanket" on my list of things to buy for the new baby, I said yes. As you guys know, I'm not usually one to do many reviews or giveaways, but this is a company that I feel good about and a product that we certainly use so it seemed like a great fit. We used HALO SleepSacks for both of our older kids once they left the swaddle blanket stage and found them super handy, but we had never used the HALO version of a swaddle blanket so I was eager to give it a try.

We received the blanket right before Lily was born and quickly put it to use after we brought her home from the hospital. We chose the neutral giraffe pattern since Miss Lily was still a surprise baby when I ordered it.
Snug as a bug in a HALO 100% Cotton Muslin Swaddle Blanket

Between all three kids we have tried several other brands of swaddle blankets so I feel very comfortable in giving a solid recommendation for the HALO swaddle blanket. I like that the hook and loop fasteners (otherwise known as velcro) are longer strips so that baby's arms are very securely swaddled and less likely to break free. I think this will mean the hook & loop fasteners will remain very "sticky" after many washes, unlike some of the other swaddle blankets on the market. I also like the fact that the lower half of the blanket leaves baby's hips and legs free to move around rather than keeping the entire body wrapped tightly. The lighter-weight fabric will be particularly nice once the weather officially commits to being Spring (it's snowing right now in Minnesota...sigh). Raj mentioned he liked the zipper feature and as a last good point - it's cute!

One minor downside to this swaddle blanket is that the hook & loop closure can be noisy when you have to remove it during the night. Lily is still so little that I don't worry about waking her in the night since she'll quickly fall back to sleep, but I know as she gets older and more alert it will be a bit trickier to keep her from fully waking. However, the hook & loop closure is what allows for a nice tight swaddle so it's a trade off I'll take.

If you are interested in picking up your own HALO swaddle blanket or other HALO products, they are available at,, or

And since I know many of you readers either just had a baby or are expecting in the near future (or have friends or family who are expecting), I have a giveaway! HALO would like to offer one of my readers one of their traditional 100% cotton swaddle blankets.

You will be able to choose size (newborn or small) and color preference (blue, pink or green). Open to US or Canada only. To enter simply leave a comment (and a way to contact you) on this post before the contest closes in one week on Wednesday, April 23 at 11:59 PM CST. Feel free to comment with whatever you want to say, but if you need a prompt then how about you share something related to swaddling or swaddle blankets!

Good luck to those who enter the giveaway and thank you to HALO for this opportunity.

This post and giveaway are sponsored by HALO but all opinions given are my own.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Spring Day in the Life Heads Up

It's time for the Spring Edition of Day in the Life (a.k.a. DITL)! If you are new and don't know what I am talking about, you can check out my past DITL posts here and the round-up posts that include links to other bloggers' DITL posts here.

If you would like to participate, all you need to do is pick one day to document & post between now and Sunday, April 27. Since I'm busy adjusting to life with three kids, I asked Mama Tully of Adventures in Tullyland to take over as host this quarter and she graciously agreed to help out. Thank you, Mama T! So a change for this quarter is that participating bloggers will email their DITL blog post link to Mama Tully at She will post the round-up post on her blog on Tuesday, April 29.

Just the Facts
  • Document a day and post it on your blog between today-April 27.
  • Email Mama Tully your link by April 28 at
  • Round-up post will be at Adventures in Tullyland on April 29. I'll be sure to put up a quick post directing everyone there that day, too.

The Usual Fine Print
  • Pick a day between now and Sunday, April 27 and take pictures all the live-long day. You might want to keep notes of what goes down so you don't forget later on when typing up the post. I often will take pictures that I know I won't use, but will serve as a reminder of what was happening.
  • Make sure to include pictures of YOU during the day. The kids are callin' em selfies these days. And don't forget to include pictures of the mundane - your make-up on the bathroom counter, the messy office desk, your lunch, what you bought at Target, a note your spouse scribbled for you. That's part of what makes it so interesting.
  • It's up to you how detail-oriented you want to be. I go detailed, but there is no need for you to do the same. 
  • This is not just for the mommy blogger set. I actually prefer it to be a mix of people in all different sorts of lives. And please, please, please play along if you live outside the US & Canada! I heart you, foreigners.
Excited to get to read all these springtime posts during my midnight feeding sessions! Thanks again for hosting, Mama Tully!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

First Days at Home/Recovery the Third Time Around

I haven't touched the draft of the birth story since I left the hospital but hope to get it done by this weekend. No way would I not have an equally detailed story for baby #3! I view those stories much more as something for me than something my children would ever want to hear about, but perhaps since I will have two girls (still a !!), they will be curious about my experience one day. I will offer to edit out any creepy parts first before they read them :)

Oh - since so many of you guys are so crazy about baby names (I still can't believe the response on that baby name post!), I figured you'd be interested in our boy name. It was Reid Bennett. For a long time it was Reid Holden but we switched that in the past few weeks. I like the name Reid, but it was definitely a compromise name in the sense that neither of us LOVED it, so it's good Miss Lily came out a girl. We also had a last minute change for our girl name. Lilian was Liliana until one night just last week. I kept pronouncing it Lili-ANNA when we meant for it to be pronounced as Lili-AHna. If I couldn't get it right or remember how to say it, then it probably wasn't going to work for us. I do like both versions, but the simpler Lilian was the better choice for us and I think it fits in better with Arabella and Oliver. And she will mostly be Lily; we just wanted her to have the option of a more formal name as she gets older.

As far as how we are all doing...
  • Lily is doing GREAT. Easiest baby so far - she naps and eats and poops and doesn't really fuss or cry. I am well aware this could change quickly as she becomes more alert. Amazingly we have been able to get by without any light treatment as her bilirubin levels have stayed just below the treatment level in spite of the blood type incompatibility (i.e. our incompatible bloods mixed at some point - probably birth - so there are some antibodies from me that are attacking her red blood cells). She is nursing great and getting lots of milk as evidenced by a few robust poops a day and several wet diapers, so that is enough to keep her little system clearing the extra bilirubin. This is a much simpler experience compared to poor Oliver's handful of problems (minor problems in the end, but they still made for a challenging first week). We feel extremely fortunate.

  • The older kids are doing very well, too. Bella is just amazing me with how helpful and interested and not jealous she is about Lily. Having a very helpful almost-5-year-old gives me insight into how the Duggers have managed all these years. :) She did have a surprising, or at least somewhat unexpected, breakdown yesterday when we were talking about how great Midgie (the cat) is doing at my mom's house and how Midgie is very attached to my mom. Bella burst into tears and seemed very distraught that she hasn't seen Midgie in a few months. Obviously I don't think it was so much about Midgie and more about all the changes. So I am trying to give her extra cuddle time and also time to talk about what she's feeling/thinking. Oliver is doing really, really well, too, considering he is a 2 year old. He has had increased tantrums and is extra demanding that I be the one to do bedtime routines and naptime routines and wants to sit in my lap at meals and things, but it's not too challenging. He is still napping and sleeping pretty normally so that goes a LONG way to keeping things chugging along smoothly. So just like with Bella I am trying to give him extra attention and demonstrations of love. He seems to be very adoring of his baby sister - he is excited to see her in the morning, he likes to watch her and give her kisses, he says how cute she is and my mom even overheard him singing a made-up song that went something like "It's okay. baby. Baby, it's okay!" when he was in his room at naptime. He likes to tell people who come over "That's my baby!" I know there will be rough times ahead with juggling the needs of three children, especially when I have less help, but so far so good! 
 [He insisted on saving his "Big Brother" sticker.]

 [Lily had just tooted as I was taking this picture. Haha!]

 [I worried I wasn't doing enough to stimulate and interact with Bella when she was a baby. That will not be a problem for Lily!]
  • Raj is doing well and loves his baby girl. Like me, he is relieved to have our baby arrive safely and me doing well. He seems different with Lily in the sense that it's simpler the third time around and it doesn't feel scary to have a brand new baby. He wants to hold her whenever he gets the chance and just gazes with this admiring look on his face. So crazy to me that he is the father of three and that two of them are girls! It will be fun to see how his relationship with Lily develops and how it is different from his relationship with each of the other kids. On the downside, Raj is struggling with the fact that he had to work almost full time this week. I am struggling with that, too. Zero paternity leave except for Monday when we were still at the hospital. We knew it was going to be this way, but it still feels sad. Thankfully he is still getting a few hours a day in with the baby in the morning and at night. He is going in a little later so he can help in the morning when things are particularly chaotic and he was able to come home early on Tuesday. It will be nice to have him home this weekend and hopefully he can take a day off next week. His work will settle down this summer and the plan is for a two week leave in July. In some ways it will be really nice for him to take a leave later on instead of now because life will be settled down a lot more and we can do fun family things and just relax and enjoy summer life.

  • Toonses the cat shows zero interest in the fact that our family grew by one member. Lily is the equivalent of a new plate or a pack of printer paper to him. Toonses would show more interest in a paper bag than Miss Lily. I'm almost offended that he doesn't even want to give her a little sniff! Ha. Obviously this is a very good thing. I guess by now Toonses is all, "Been there, done that lady. I know how this goes. It's really not that cool. Now can you turn on that sink because I enjoy my water running, thankyouverymuch." Toonses does, however, remain obsessed with me. He's a sucker for pregnant lady/baby hormones. #alittlecreepy
  • As for me...
    • I am doing the best that I have with all three recoveries but it turned out that I did hemorrhage enough to become anemic (but I lost half the amount of blood that I did with Oliver - "only" 500 ml). Sad trombone. They checked my hemoglobin one last time before I left the hospital and it dropped another 1.5 points so I went down 3.5 points overall and I am at a 9. I was at an 8-something with Oliver so I'm really surprised that I don't feel way more lousy, but I'm thinking that perhaps there was a further drop post Oliver that was never tested last time since we left the hospital earlier. In the end this level of anemia is very manageable so I'm again thankful for how it turned out. It helps that my normal hemoglobin levels are pretty high. Now I'm taking iron pills and my placenta pills and will eat lots of green leafy vegetable and red meat and all that and in six weeks I will be fully back in hemoglobin business. I wonder a bit about why I am so extremely prone to postpartum hemorrhaging and the fact that even with multiple measures to stop it and catch it super early this time around, it still happened. Must be a minor clotting thing? I'm glad I feel so settled with three kids as our final number because I would really not want to go through this again. It would feel far too risky. I do have to remind myself not to overdo it in the meantime. Just because I feel way better than I did after Bella or Oliver doesn't mean I should be trying to keep up with chores and all the childcare. I probably shouldn't even be lifting things/children/car seats. We went to Target yesterday (we = all three kids, my mother, and me) and it took a lot out of me even though it was a short trip. I wouldn't have bothered except we did not have enough newborn clothes or diapers for Lily. I really predicted a much bigger baby - oops! Besides a pediatrician appointment today I think I will lay low as much as possible so I can recover faster. My MIL is coming into town for a couple weeks so that will be very good for letting me rest more than I would otherwise. Once you have multiple kids it's a very different ballgame when it comes to how much you can focus on your recovery.
 [We did a picnic just like this on Friday since I was 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant and needed to still entertain two house-bound and bored kids. Then we did another floor picnic on Tuesday with a special guest. Crazy how little time passed between those days and yet how much had happened.]
    • Right now my biggest problem is that I'm so painfully engorged. I must be at least an H-cup right now if not larger (I was a F in pregnancy). OWWWWWW. I tend towards oversupply at the beginning so I'm trying to prevent that but at the same time trying to prevent clogged ducts and other complications of too-full breasts. I'm also dealing with some cracked and blistered nipples from initial latch issues. (Does anyone really escape some nipple trauma?? If so, HOW??? I feel like it's an urban legend when lactation consultants say that you should have no pain if you are doing everything correctly.)  Oh, and I forgot how brutally painful that initial latching on is in the early week(s). Plus trying to keep those flailing newborn hands away from the baby's mouth while shoving a swollen and enormous boob into a teeny tiny mouth. I do pump a bit before nursing...otherwise it would be a mission impossible. And I can't decide if I should be nursing more often, such as the every-two-hours that I was told, or letting Lily sleep. It's so darn tricky. Thankfully I know it gets better. I know I am lucky to have a good supply and a good little nurser, even if she could dial down the sucking power several notches :) Thrush PTSD has me airing myself out as much as possible and overanalyzing things but I'm trying to stay sane and reasonable with that. I keep reminding myself that I will catch it very early if it does develop and I already have a full arsenal of treatment items ready to go. Crossing my fingers I only have another couple days of this really unpleasant breastfeeding time.
    • I tried some new postpartum healing things out and figured I could share my thoughts. I had heard from other ladies that Depends are useful in the early days instead of dealing with pads. I bought one small pack and they are okay. I feel ridiculous in them - almost to the point where they mess with my self esteem! - but they are easier than dealing with pads which seem to inevitably leak. My pp bleeding is minimal (a benefit to losing all your blood up front and then getting tons of pitocin!) so maybe going the Depends route is more helpful for those with heavier bleeding? I probably wouldn't buy them again if I had a (theoretical, not-going-to-happen) fourth baby since they are spendy. One random thing that I'm really liking is this Motherlove sitz bath spray. I try to do a couple little baths a day to help my stitches heal more quickly, but this is nice for an easy peasy option during the day. It feels spa fancy :) Once again I'm a fan of the Medela hydrogel pads to help heal my nipples up (cut each pad into quarters to get way more bang for your buck) and in between keeping those on I am using the Motherlove thrush diaper cream as a nipple cream (I like the olive oil and other natural ingredients).
 [I had a cake and frosting ready to be made by the kids and my mom while we were in the hospital. We celebrated Lily's 0 birthday the night she came home from the hospital.]
    • I'm feeling like I'm retaining a lot of water and maybe a little bit swollen. I've only lost about 9 lbs since delivery and normally I lose way more than that. A nurse mentioned this might happen since I got two liters of pitocin by IV after birth, but at 5 days postpartum it seems like it's taking too long. Can't remember if this happened before, although I do remember having "pudding feet" with Bella both before and after delivery (but I gained 10 lbs more with her and it was warm out so who knows?) I look forward to getting some of this extra water weight off. Hoping that comes with engorgement settling down. In the meantime I'm chugging water like crazy to keep up with nursing and also to hopefully flush my system.

    • No real hormonal swings yet, but I know they might be coming down the pipeline. I should probably remind Raj about that so he won't be so scared when I burst into tears and tell him "I don't know why I'm crying but I am so just ignore me! WAHHHHH"
    • Reflux and nausea are finally finished. That is awesome times a million. To the power of a trillion. Minus two. And add 16,000. That is how good it is to eat like a normal person and not fight off puking for much of the day.
    • As far as postpartum anxiety and depression, I feel like I'm starting from a really good place and I'm very hopeful this time will be nothing like last time. I started back on Zoloft several weeks ago as a preventative measure. I didn't/don't want to mess around with that this time around and when I could feel anxiety creeping in during late pregnancy (getting less sleep plus the crap weather - some classic triggers for me), I figured it was simply the smart thing for me to do. In spite of being medicated, I still had a lot of fears and with that, anxiety, this time around when it came to giving birth. My childbirth fears have increased with each kid, probably from knowing more - both about the experience and also just how much a child means to me. For this third baby I have had a persistent and deeply troubling fear of dying during childbirth. It started well before even getting pregnant again.  It wasn't the most rational of fears (although it was hardly out of left field) but it was strong and I couldn't shake it. I didn't want to talk about it on the blog because that would have made it real. I also didn't want to talk to Raj about it because I know that was a very real fear of his, too. I did talk a bit with a fellow pregnant friend and also found some threads on message boards to be reassuring. Mostly I just tried to redirect my thoughts because there was no use giving brain space and energy to that line of thinking. But that fear was part of why the fast labor + prone to hemorrhage combo seemed really concerning to me. Add in bad weather and I had fears an ambulance couldn't make it to me in time to stop bleeding. Ugh. I will stop writing about that now. Everything went fine and it's over now. Being on the other side of birth and knowing my baby girl is strong and healthy has been hugely relieving and it's almost like I could feel the anxiety begin to dissolve the second she was delivered. I'm so much better equipped to deal with breastfeeding drama and lack of sleep than I am with facing the unknowns of birth. To put it mildly: whew! (Massive understatement.)
So that's the scoop. Overall I feel like things are going so well. I kept expectations low for this postpartum time and to have them be exceeded is pretty great. I feel lucky and fortunate on many fronts. I'm sorry if I come across as overly gushy or #seriouslysoblessed right now. I know that can seem insincere or annoying and potentially hurtful for those struggling with serious problems when it comes to pregnancy, infertility or babies. All this is to say that I hope I am coming across in the spirit I intend it. I am aware of my good fortune and I will try hard to not take it for granted, even as the tough days of sleep deprivation and juggling a bigger family set in.

I'm excited to settle into this new life as a family of five and I think this will be a very different newborn/baby experience than it was in the past. I love knowing that this is it - this is our family. These are my people and this is who will come home for Thanksgiving in 2040. So surreal.

PS - Ordering up a vasectomy and IUD STAT! Yes, both. Because: DONE. Completely content and so happy and very much all set in the kid department with no need to go through pregnancy or childbirth ever again. :)

PPS - Someone just let out a series of awesome baby toots and now I have a diaper to change. More soon!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Introducing Lily

SHE is here! It's a girl! (I am zero surprised by this.)

Lilian "Lily" Jade was born last night at 11 pm after another very quick labor.  Thankfully I got to the hospital in plenty of time. I got there so early, in fact, they made me walk the halls and there was a question of if I would get to stay. But then I went from 3 cm to baby-in-my-arms in 2 hours so it's a very good thing I stayed! I did labor in the tub and liked that but in the end I delivered in the bed just because that is where I ended up. Only 2 minutes pushing this time (though I could have sworn it was longer because I had a head in my hoo-ha...such a thing tends to mess with one's perception of time.) Full birth story to follow very soon. I found Lily's labor and delivery to be the smoothest and least painful of all three births. Somehow I didn't swear even once and, even better, I DID NOT POO!

Her stats: 20 inches, 8 lbs 5 oz, and a 14.25 cm head. She seems so teeny tiny to us, though she isn't our smallest baby (Bella was 7 lbs 12 oz, Oliver was 9 lbs 5 oz.)

I'm doing really well and I feel the best I did after all three of my deliveries. I still lost more blood than ideal/normal in spite of all the measures taken to prevent that, BUT my hemoglobin only dropped 2.5 points and is still within normal levels. So I'll be tired and a bit weak for a few weeks, but not debilitating so. Raj and my Mom both noted the extreme difference between how I am right now and how I was after Oliver's birth. I didn't even need help going to the bathroom or showering - the fact I can stand and move around without a problem feels HUGE and wonderful and will make life infinitely more manageable.

And yes, I put a little bit of placenta in my cheek to help with the bleeding and the midwife thought it was hilarious and insisted Raj take a picture since it looked like I had chewing tobacco.
Pretty sure I'm the first (crazy person) to ever do this at this hospital (it's mostly a home birth thing) but the staff really took it in stride and everyone was able to laugh and joke about it. No idea if it worked, but it honestly didn't phase me too much in the moment. I couldn't even taste it since we rinsed it and put it on ice first. I like that I'm a lady who puts on plenty of make-up to go to the hospital to have a baby but then also puts raw placenta in my mouth.

Besides the small blood loss, I'm doing quite well. I think recovery from childbirth should go smoothly over the next days and weeks. I'm still eagerly anticipating the end of reflux and nausea but knowing I'm allllmost to the finish line with that makes it okay.  I probably only have a couple more days feeling really off with food and then I will have 9 months of weird appetite to make up for.

Lily is doing very well. She has had FIVE poos and three pees and she isn't even 24 hours old. Yahoo! One area of concern is that she is affected by my ABO blood type incompatibility just like Oliver (for those in the know about blood incompatibilities, she is Coombs +). Her bilirubin levels will have to be monitored and she is at high risk for jaundice and hemolytic anemia. So she may need some time under the bili lights or other treatments, but hopefully it won't get to that point. One great point in her favor is that she is proving to be an excellent nurser so that will help keep the bilirubin levels down (bilirubin is excreted in stool). Crossing my fingers that my milk comes in early again as she will need a high level of hydration if she does get some light therapy (otherwise I'd probably need to supplement, which is fine, but would be nice to avoid if possible) and also more breastmilk = more pooing, more pooing = fast decrease in bilirubin levels.

The kids came with my parents to meet Lily today and they were beyond sweet and doting. They were really excited to meet Lily.

So we are doing really well. I am feeling so content and happy and relieved. I feel calm, too, which I don't think I felt after the other births. Thanks for all the congrats on Instagram and Twitter. More to come soon!!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Bumpdate: 40 Weeks

Hello, Due Date, my old friend. I've come to experience you again. Because some babies like to stay in. And drive their mommies to the loony bin.

Due Date: March 27, 2014. Which is today. 0 days left. Or, alternatively, 14 days. I would be unlikely to pursue an induction before going to 42 weeks but I'll never say never...

Weight Gain: 42.5 lbs. No change.

Symptoms: I have plenty to be whiny about right now, but the truth is that I would take 3 months of how I'm feeling now over how I felt in my first/early second trimester pukey state so meh. I'll try to keep it brief with that in mind ;) My biggest gripe right now is the nausea, though it is much milder than at other times in my pregnancy. Oliver has been imitating me puking a lot, which is funny and horrifying. He hasn't done it into his training potty yet like Bella did back in the day! Ha. My other big pesky symptom would have to be just the challenging mental state of being pregnant longer than I was with my last baby (Oliver came at 39.6). I'm absolutely grateful for a full term baby, please know that, but right now I'm struggling with the "any day now" mentality. I'll put it this way: in school I would always volunteer to be one of the first to give a required speech in English class. I want to get things that make me nervous out of the way as soon as possible. Birth? MAKES ME NERVOUS. So I'd like to get that done, you know?

Labor Signs: Honestly, things seem rather quiet on the uterus front. A lot of the same pre-labor type signs continue (major GI drama, cramping, baby keeps dropping) but otherwise...nada. We'll see if I have any cervix changes at my appointment later today, but I wouldn't be surprised if I was still at 2 cm.

What's different this time: Hmmm...I guess the most notable difference is just how much I am still doing in my daily life. Still wrangling and taking care of kids and dealing with all the household chores and all that.

I'm thankful for: A baby that is very ready to join us on the outside. And I'm grateful that I feel physically better than I did at the end of my pregnancy with Oliver.

Cravings/Aversions:I think this recent moment will illustrate my current feelings about food the best: Yesterday I met Husband at Whole Foods for lunch (fun!). I had veggie sushi and then went to look at the bakery items (I LOOOOVE the WF bakery). I stared at the cupcakes and cakes and cookies and felt sick and walked away. Mama never walks away from Whole Foods bakery opportunities. (Promise I'll never refer to myself as Mama again. Haha.)

Sleep: Better late third tri sleep than my other pregnancies since I Unisom it up each night, but I still have at least 2-3 nights of bad multi-hour middle of the night insomnia to contend with. And this week I was actually not really into sleeping in the car bed because Oliver has been more noisy/restless with a cold but I cannot for the life of me get comfortable in any other bed but that silly car bed. So each night I still end up there!

I miss: Life being quieter in the sense of not have a BIG HUGE MAJOR life event about to start at any time. I want less suspense in my life.

I am looking forward to:  Same: Baby's birthday! 

Best moment this week: I love my family, but those moments where I could check out and just lay down were probably the best moments this week. I'm wiped and so glad our babysitter is back from spring break!

I'm stressing about: The longer I have this limbo time, the more I feel anxious about things. Trying not to think too much in general.

Milestones: Due date.

Movement: Yes, but it seems less and slower due to the space issues baby is dealing with.

It's a...: Surprise. I still think girl and Husband leans towards boy. Oliver wants a boy and Bella wants a girl. We shall see!
Exercise: Weirdly a big uptick. Went walking with some JOGGING twice at the gym this past week and also one outside walk. One big benefit to baby dropping is that my capacity for exercise goes way up. It felt really nice to move. I will probably do some more walking today while our babysitter is here with the kids. Wish I could be outside, though - then I'd be walking every day for sure.

Diet:  Have not cooked in a week and kinda bummed/annoyed that we are dipping into our freezer meals. The kids are loving that they are back to getting snacky type foods and also getting to mooch off granola bars and things. I have had to cut dairy except for a little cheese here and there because of the GI probs. Eating is a giant PITA right now. I also make sure to try to eat something semi-normal midday as that is the time where I have the best appetite and the least nausea.

Weekly Goal: Just keep up with the minor daily house duties while trying to conserve energy. Stay sane. Have a baby!

Belly Pic:

And here is a progression from weeks 13 to 40. I think this is my best effort as far as a series of bump pictures.