Postpartum Body

Want to discuss the aftermath of my body after giving birth? Yes, let's!

In no particular order...

Weight & Body Shape
I'm within a few pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight (which means I've lost 50 lbs so far and jesus h. christ, I still can't believe the ridiculous amount of weight I gained while pregnant), so I guess that's good. I'm able to wear most of my pants, albeit a bit muffin-toppily. I've known petite-hipped women who have to go up a size after having a baby from their hips expanding. Having had birthing hips since the age of 16 I was spared the annoyance of needing a new pants wardrobe. (And yes, I've really had birthing hips since the age of 16 as I can distinctly recall a 15-year-old boy randomly telling me that. That same 15-year-old boy once said the following about chocolate: "A moment on the lips; a lifetime on the hips". I'm going to go out on a limb and say his mom probably had some weight issues.)

While the bottom half of me is back to normal, the top half is different. Besides the Baywatch boobs causing all my t-shirts and sweaters to take on a rather slutty appearance, I still have my jungle pouch. I always had a bit of a belly, but this is different. It's like...how to explain it...the skin is sort of saggy or something. Maybe it will firm up; maybe not. I find myself somewhat removed from being self-conscious about it. It's more like an interesting experiment that I'm observing - what will happen next? In the meantime, I will be rocking the jungle pouch in a bikini on the beach next month. C'est la vie.

Hair
Once I hit 3.5 months postpartum, I started shedding hair. Having had too-thick hair all my life which required thinning by stylists, I'm not opposed to losing some hair. However, the actual hair loss is pretty annoying. It gets everywhere and often mysteriously collects in the armpits of my sweaters. I am also fearful that a rogue strand will wrap around one of Chicken's fingers or toes causing her to lose an appendage. I'll be glad when this fun postpartum symptom stops.

[Husband's comment: I find them in the damnedest of places, too. Once, wrapped loosely around my toothbrush and I keep it in the medicine cabinet to avoid just this.]

Belly Button & Linea Negra
I talked before about how my belly button skin had turned dark and that it wasn't something I could easily wash off. Well, it's back to normal now and I so desperately want to tell you what happened between then and now, but Husband said that the truth would make me lose all my readers so I won't say what happened. I am happy to tell you via email, though, if you are interested. Mmmm...gross belly button stories.

As far as the linea negra (the line down my stomach)- it has faded quite a bit, but it's still there.

Stretch Marks
My belly remained free of stretch marks through Week 41 of pregnancy, but then a few stretch marks showed up three days postpartum. How weird is that!? Somehow the shrinking of the belly caused them. They are already fading. I secretly kind of like them and they remind me of Eve's paw print tattoos given their symmetry on my lower belly.

The worst of the stretch marks are on my boobs. They are fading except for one very angry one the right side. Eh, what can you do?

Night Sweats
These finally (FINALLY) stopped in September. I hear people talking about what a cold summer it was this year and I'm all, "Really?" cause I just remember sweating like a mo-fo all the time. The nights were the worst and while I never had to change the sheets due to sweating like I've heard some women experience, it still made for a lot of uncomfortable nights. I think my metabolism was simply on fire with breastfeeding so my body temp was elevated.

Appetite
Interestingly, my appetite is less than what it was while pregnant. This is not the norm as I hear most women experience extreme hunger while breastfeeding. I was ravenous while pregnant and required an enormous amount of food to feel satisfied. Then once I went into labor I completely lost my appetite and it was a bit slow to come back. I would say that my current appetite is equivalent to what it was before pregnancy. This is probably tied into my body trying to shed the excess weight, but who knows. Maybe it's just how my body rolls in general.

Sex
*TMI ALERT*
It's better. That's all I'll say. Except there is something else I really, really want to say, but I can't here. So, uh, yeah, email me if you want to know.

There you have it. I actually feel much more "normal" than I thought I would at this point. And the parts that aren't back to normal don't really phase me that much. I suspect having a job where I needed to get dressed in nice clothes each day might make me feel differently, so I'm very glad I don't have to feel self-conscious in my "day job". I'm also comfortable in my own skin because I have a husband who has found me attractive through all of it. Thank you for that, Husband!

[Husband's comment: It's easy like Sunday morning.]

How bout all you other mamas? Anything really crazy happen after giving birth? Did your jungle pouch ever go away? Anyone else have something horrifying happen regarding their belly button? Tell me!

Baby Yoga Gone Wrong

Things did not go so well at baby yoga this morning. I thought everything would be smooth sailing as Bella woke up from a two-hour nap at 10 AM in good spirits. "Huzzah!", I thought to myself, "Look at me take my baby to classes that will further her development. I am full of awesome!"

And then we got there and she lasted, oh I'd say about 30 seconds, before turning into the fussiest baby of the year for the better part of the next hour.

Now Bella is a noisy baby during yoga on a good day. On a bad day? EXTREMELY NOISY, OMG, COVER YOUR EARS! She was so fussy that, in spite of me trying several things to calm her, the instructor kindly suggested that I bounce her on an exercise ball. And she put the exercise ball in a back corner behind all the calm, quiet babies and their mamas. So basically I was put into time out with my baby. Oh, I know the instructor meant well and was doing it to be helpful, but I felt so dumb being in time out all alone bouncing Baby Crabcakes on a ball.

I was forced to stay in time out for quite a while as every time we would stop bouncing, Bella would start fussing again. A couple people suggested that she might be teething, and perhaps that is the case. But hasn't that been our go-to cause for her fussiness for over two months already? Baby teeth are crying wolf.

"Why didn't you leave, you crazy?", I hear you asking yourself. Well, the instructor always says at the beginning of class that your baby might fuss the whole class (or sleep or eat) some days and that's normal and you should stay anyway. She encourages you to try to stay calm despite the stress that having a crying baby in public can cause. So like a good pupil who follows instructions, I stayed. And like a good anxious person, I felt all hand-wringy about it the whole time. Except the last two minutes when Bella turned into angel baby and was full of coos and giggles. TRICKSTER!

Le sigh. I'm sure there are life lessons in all of this, but for now I'm feeling mildly irritated that I spent $16 to feel stressed. Where is the om, I ask you?

Letters to Bella: 5 Months

Dear Bella,

Today is your 5 Month Birthday. You weren't so eager to get dressed up and have your picture taken, but we eventually got a decent shot.
What have you been up to this past month? Let's see...

You've continued to grow at an alarming rate. We are already putting away your 6 month clothing as you now wear 9 to 12 month clothing. If genetics continue to trend as they have for the past few generations, I suspect you'll top out at 6'1" or so. Just check out this photo of your mama, your grandma, and your great-grandma for proof.
We spend a lot of time reading and you particularly enjoy Let's Dance, Little Pookie, although we both agree that Pookie is a bit lame.

You continue to work on sitting up and do an excellent job at it.

You are still not yet rolling over, despite an abundance of tummy time these past few weeks. I suspect you could roll over if you wanted to; you simply choose not to. All in good time, my dear.

This past month we did sleep training, which was perhaps harder for me than childbirth, but we got through it. You are a different baby when you get enough sleep: so much happier.

Speaking of happiness, here is a video of you laughing at me and your Daddy saying "boing!". I should warn readers that the endless repeating of "boing!" might make them want to run away from their computers screaming, "My ears! My ears!".

Bella Laughing from Bella's Mama on Vimeo.
I love when you laugh. In fact, I love it so much that it brings tears to my eyes. My dear child, you make me cry all the time out of happiness. I apologize in advance for crying on a regular basis as you grow up. You have every right to say, "Mom. Seriously. Stop that." You will have every right to say that and I will have every right to not stop crying. That's just how it works.

Oh, something else I have to apologize for. Your Nana sent you a flower Halloween costume and I was suddenly inspired to put you in a flower pot as a photo op.I can't believe I Anne Geddes-ed you. I abhor Anne Geddes' pictures and yet look at what I did. I'm very, very sorry.

You are starting to get so interested in watching us eat.
We are waiting another month to start solids for boring reasons. So, in the meantime, you'll have to settle for eating your feet.

All in all, Chicken (yes, we still call you that), it's been another good month.

Love you,
Mama

Cutest. Baby. Ever.

I have things to say, but I'm too sleepy to remember what they were so all you will get are pictures today.

The ridiculously overpriced bear cub fleece coveralls she is wearing? Worth every penny.

The cuteness, people. Sometimes it's almost too much.

Sleeping Arrangements

With sleep being a focus (obsession?) around this house, we have been reluctant to make many changes lest Bella's sleep deteriorate back into waking 7-10 times a night. So this means that she has continued to sleep in the Pack n' Play set up in our bedroom. We, on the other hand, have been sleeping on the futon in her nursery, rather than have her wake up when we go to bed ourselves at night. So let's review this situation:

2 Bedrooms House: 1 Master Bedroom, 1 Nursery

• Baby sleeps in Master Bedroom in a dinky little Pack n' Play while lovely king-size bed with sleep number mattress lies empty.
• Parents sleep in Nursery on a tiny twin-sized futon while lovely wooden crib with brand new mattress lies empty.

I call FUBAR! Things have turned even crazier now that my parentals are in town for a visit this week. I tried sleeping in my bed last night, while my parents slept in the nursery on the futon, but Bella was woken up when I went in there to sleep. Thus I found myself sleeping on the floor of our large upstairs stairway landing, with my feet tucked around Husband's office chair, my head near a stack of Science magazines and my hand tenderly resting on the vacuum which I'd lazily left up there. So cozy and restful! Meanwhile Husband is sleeping a delicious sleep in a quiet hotel room in San Francisco. I asked him to describe to me what it was like to sleep through the night in a quiet room. I salivated as I listened attentively to his description.

So the plan will be to officially transition Bella to her nursery (and return us to our bedroom) on Saturday night after my parents leave. I'm really looking forward to having my bedroom back. I think a major part of my own inability to fall asleep at night is that I haven't been able to read at night in bed in months. Since my own parents included that in my bedtime routine since day 1 it is deeply ingrained in my psyche as essential to falling asleep. There were even times in college when we'd come home from the bars and I would still attempt to read a few pages before bed, despite the words irritatingly swimming around the pages. Some kids drunk-dial, I drunk-read. (I keep making references to how I used to be drunk lately. Swear I wasn't a sloppy mess in my youth. Erm, most of the time, anyway.) Anyway, I have to read before bed (and ten other times during the day); it's essential. And soon it will be mine once more!

In the meantime, I look forward to another cozy night with the vacuum.

Back in the Day

5 years ago, nearly to the day, Husband and I had our first date. I remember exactly what I was wearing (a weather-confused combo of light grey Express editor pants, black cleavalicious tank, denim jacket, black boots and pink pashmina) , exactly what he was wearing (dark red button down shirt, black dress pants, black shoes), and exactly how I felt when I walked down the stairs to open the door when he first arrived (like I was going to choke on my pounding heart; I was so nervous). I could not tell you exactly how much wine I drank at the restaurant, but it must have been the better part of one bottle of red wine. Oops. (I was nervous! And Husband kept refilling my glass, thus I am completely absolved of any blame.) Luckily, Husband did not realize I was tipsy as he didn't yet know my telltale drunk habit of talking out of the side of my mouth.

The first date went well (despite me being Drunky McBoozeCakes). As did the second date. By the third date we had plans to go away for the weekend (who does that!?). And by the fourth date our life path was pretty much set and we called our lightening-speed courtship "the accelerated plan". When you know, you know.

A couple weeks after we started dating, I bought a black & white disposable camera and Husband and I took a few pictures. And then it was put into a drawer, where it remained for the next 5 years.

Until today. There is something magical about getting film developed 5 years later. You have no idea what surprises might await you.





Happy 5-years-together anniversary, Husband!

9 Hours

Bella slept 9 hours...in a row! 6:45 pm to 3:45 am. AHHHHHHHH! Unprecedented and so exciting.

And it might have been an even longer stretch had I not become all worked up that Bella might not be, you know, still alive, which required tip-toeing into the bedroom and accidentally stepping on the creaky part of the floor. Oops.

Now that Bella's sleep seems relatively figured out, I need someone to Ferber-ize me as I have lost my ability to sleep. I struggle to fall asleep and then wake up every couple hours just in anticipation of having to get up for Bella. And then it's hard to fall back asleep because my sleepy logic is that I'll just have to get up in a few minutes anyway. And there really is nothing more painful to a sleep-deprived person than to finally get into a nice REM cycle only to be abruptly awakened once again. So I toss and turn and get all worked up about all sorts of things that really don't need working-up about. Things like...

We're not going to have enough money to move out of this townhome in the next couple years and we'll have to figure out a way to raise 2-4 children here in this too small space with no yard!

which leads to

Maybe we don't have enough money to raise 2-4 children...

which then leads to

OMG, Bella is going to have to be an only child and we always wanted her to have siblings like we had. Our life plan is ruined. RUINED!

And then I kind of remember that we actually are in OK financial shape and I fall asleep. LAME. I'm hoping that if Little B keeps up with the long sleep stretches I'll go back to sleeping in long stretches myself. Otherwise Husband will have to start checking on me in regular intervals at night to soothe me and keep my brain from fussing in my head. Maybe in the meantime he can fix me up a nice glass of warm milk a few times a night as I've noticed that works wonders for another family member.

Oh, sorry, you got a little throw up in your mouth with that last sentence? Mmmm...warm milk.

Where are you Global Warming?

The view from my bedroom window right now...

Fall, you're in. Winter, you're out. Winter, I need your to clean up your workspace and leave.

Auf Wiedersehen!

CIO Wrap-Up & Other Shenanigans

CIO Wrap-Up

Night 4
7 pm - Asleep (no crying!)
11:30 pm - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
2:30 am - Awake, cried 2 minutes, back to sleep
3:30 am - Awake, cried for 100 painful and excruciating minutes, back to sleep
6:00 am - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
7 am - Awake for the day

Night 5
6:45 pm - Asleep (no crying!)
12 am - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
3 am - Awake, cried for a minute, back to sleep
4:40 am - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
6:10 am - Awake for the day

Night 6
7 pm - Asleep (no crying!)
12 am - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
2:30 am - Awake, cried for 3 minutes, back to sleep
5:00 am - Awake for a feeding, back to sleep
6:30 am - Awake...cheated and had her sleep on Husband's chest
7:50 am - Awake for the day

So just one more bad night (night 4 with the soul-crushing 100 minutes of crying). Putting her to bed the last six nights has been wonderful - not a single tear! The 7 pm bedtime seems to really be working for her. And she is technically sleeping through the night (using the medical definition of a 5-hour stretch*), which is great.

Whenever I start to feel guilty and terrible about letting her cry-it-out in the first place, I try to remind myself that her crying is less overall now that we've gone through the whole CIO ordeal. Plus, I can tell already that she is more rested now that she isn't waking up 7-10 times each night. So it was all for the best.

*What fool team of doctors decided that 5-hours was equivalent to sleeping through the night?

It Done Turned Cold
Stupid Minnesota. Fall is my favorite season and I was looking forward to enjoying this fall sans endless vomiting (see Preggy Blonde posts dated September 29 - December 10). Instead of lovely crispy-crunchy fall weather, we woke up to snow on Saturday morning. SNOW. Boo Hiss! Luckily, Bella and I got out for a walk on Friday while was still a balmy 45-50 degrees.

What am I going to do when I can't go out for walks most days!? Also...I'm feeling all confused about how to dress my baby in the winter with the whole no-coats-in-the-carseat rule. Do you just load the baby up with blankets?

We got a (last for the season?) ride on the baby swing at the park in our 'hood, too. Baby loves her swing.


Exercise Goals
Remember how I was going to do a 5-K? Um, yeah...we didn't go. It was on Saturday morning and the temperature felt like 22 degrees given the windchill. Husband was all, "We'll get sick! Think of the baby!" and I quickly agreed, enjoying using the "Think of the baby!" mentality to assuage my guilt. I guess the important thing was that I could have run the 5-K since I trained for it.

Here is the plan for the next month or so until we go to Florida. I'm going to work out 5 days per week and do either the Shred or run for 30 minutes or so. I'll also walk as weather permits. I might consider doing some mall walking if I'm feeling desperate. So, that's the plan, man.

Baby Butt!

CIO: Night 3

The deets:

7:15 PM - Asleep for the night, no crying
11:45 PM - Woke up for a feeding, back to sleep with no crying
3:30 AM - Awake, put herself back to sleep after 2 minutes of crying
4:40 AM - Woke up for a feeding, back to sleep with no crying
6:10 AM - Awake for the day

In summary: 3 wakings (2 of which were planned feedings) and 2 minutes of crying

IT WORKED!!! She already seems to be a happier baby today after getting a better night's rest. I don't know if I quite trust that she will keep this up, but last night certainly makes me feel better about all the crying during the previous two nights.

CIO: Night 2

I just don't know about this, people...

Bella went down beautifully again last night - no tears. We put her down a bit earlier than usual (6:45 pm), because she had been exhausted all day from the previous night and was clearly very tired even by 5:30 pm. Plus, everything I read advocates for early bedtimes (6-8 pm), even though it seems a bit counter-intuitive.

She then slept for 7 1/2 hours...bliss (and I got to sleep 3 hours in a row...mini bliss). When I first heard her wake at 2:20 AM, I fed her right away for 15 minutes and she went right back down. I settled myself back into bed and was feeling so good about doing this whole CIO business. Look! She now sleeps long stretches and there are no more tears! She's cured! Hallelujah.

And then...

2:50 - Awake and cried for 5 minutes
3:30 - Awake and cried for 8 minutes
4:20 - Awake and cried for 5 minutes
4:50 - Awake and cried/fussed on and off for 83 minutes

The last crying bout was the worst, not only because it went on FOR-FREAKING-EVER, but also because it kept me from being able to go in there and feed her (if that is even the problem). Like I said yesterday, I don't want to go in after she has been crying forever because that would send a very confused message. In retrospect I should have maybe fed her right away at 4:50, but at the time I didn't think she needed it since she had just eaten at 2:20.

I guess we'll persevere since she did sleep for such a long time at the beginning of the night, but I hate the way this makes me feel so neglectful. Quite honestly, I'm ashamed to even blog about what is going on because looking at how long I let my baby cry for makes me seem like such a shitty person. I know, I know. It's not like that. But it sure feels like that.

CIO: Night 1

Last night was hard; we knew it would be. It started out really well, Bella did one of her random 5 hour stretches and slept from 7 pm - midnight. She then woke and cried for 45 minutes.

It. was. hell. But I was prepared for it and had my iPod with relaxation music and also these crazy noise-muffling headphones that Husband used to wear while studying. I thought it would never end, but, of course, it did.

Then she went back to sleep and at the next peep, I went in an fed her. I'm not ready to cut off from nursing entirely at night since she does eat during a couple of her night wakings.

Back to sleep. Up at 3:30 AM, cried for 5 minutes, back to sleep. Could it be working!?

She woke for a fourth time at 5:08 AM. And cried for 90 minutes.

90 MINUTES.

It was horrible and never ending. I felt so helpless - to have gone in and picked her up would have only reinforced the idea that crying for a long time would bring us in to soothe her. It would be more cruel to teach her that crying for 60 or more minutes gets the desired reaction than to just let her go. Sigh.

When she woke up for the day she was her usual self - smiling and happy to see us. I half expected her to hate us.

So that was the first night. Tonight I'm going to feed her twice and go in right at the first noise she makes so it seems separate from those times she will be crying it out. I worry that the 5 AM time she was actually hungry. So I'll give her one feeding around midnight and one around 5 AM. Hopefully, though, she will just sleep through both. Wouldn't that be ideal?

Any advice from breastfeeding mamas who did CIO? Did you just cut them off cold turkey from feedings at night? Or figure out a way to keep a feeding or two in there? Bella might be a robust 18 lbs, but I want to honor her hunger cues. I can't bear the thought of her crying for us AND for food.

Let's hope Night 2 goes even better. I'll keep you posted.

And the answer is...CIO

We are going to let her cry it out. Tonight. I have already cried twice about it (return of the hot mess, it seems) and my heart and head are hurting. But I do think it's for the best.

Husband and I discussed it and we are going to do the full-fledged elimination cry-it-out. I can't believe we are doing it, but it seems to be the right choice. Bella is already used to crying in 5 minute intervals and that seems to not only NOT help, but might have made things worse. So the slower elimination or "low fat" version might only confuse her further. I'd rather rip the band-aid off quickly than prolong this bad situation.

All day, I have been dreading what tonight will bring, but I'm as ready as I will ever be. I just keep thinking about how tired Bella has been during the day lately - she's not as smiley or talkative. She's exhausted. I'm exhausted. Husband is exhausted. It's time.

Parenting decisions are not nearly as black and white as I thought they would be. There are so many things that weigh into decisions and I find myself choosing things that I never would have thought I would choose. What I wouldn't give for a manual to tell me what choices I'm supposed to make for the next 18+ years... Except, what would be the fun of that?

She has already gone down for the night and, thankfully, she went down super easily. So I'll get a break for now. However, she'll probably wake up in the next hour or two and that's when my resolve will be put to the test. But we have decided that we will commit to this 100% to avoid sending any mixed messages and have it all be for naught.

Wish us luck!

PS - Thanks again to everyone who has shared their positive experience with CIO. It helps me to not feel like I'm a bad mama; rather, a mama who is making the right decision.

To Cry or Not To Cry: That is the Question

Bella is going on day 5 of her mission to destroy her parents via not sleeping. I would say she has been getting up around 8 times during a 11-12 hour stretch. The longest stretch of sleep has been 1.5 hours in the past 5 days. Oy.

I came across this article about "Wakeful 4 Month Olds" on Kellymom.com. The jist of the article is that some babies are so easily distracted at this age that they end up nursing very little during the day and have to make up for it at night. And, lordy, is Bella easily distracted while eating lately. I have to take her up into the darkened bedroom during the day and not even talk or sing to her. Husband is banned from the premises because if Daddy is nearby, then all bets are off. Even with there being so little to take her attention away from nursing, she finds things to distract her. She'll suck once or twice and then her gaze will go to the ceiling and she'll pull off to gaze at it for a minute. Then back to suck a couple times and then look! the ceiling. Boob. Ceiling. Boob. Ceiling. Boobceilingboobceilingboobceiling. In the end, the ceiling wins. I think this is part of Bella's problem right now; she needs to make up for nursing sessions at night.

But it's only part of the problem. There are larger and more mysterious issues at play. She doesn't need or want to eat every time she is waking up. So why all the additional wakings? Urgh. I don't know. This is where the debate about letting her cry/cry it out comes in. What to do?

I haven't mentioned this so far on this blog, but we do let Bella cry for 5 minutes at a time when we put her to sleep at night. Some nights she goes right to sleep, but other nights she almost needs to burn off a last little bit of energy via crying before she'll be soothed and settled into sleeping. I never wanted to do it initially, but Husband asked that we try it. Being a co-pilot in this parenting gig, I had to acquiesce and let him (us) try it. It was a good thing. She went from taking 45-60 minutes to soothe to sleep down to 5-10 minutes. We've never had to let her cry more than three 5-minute intervals and that is rare.

But even those little bits of crying are hard for me. My heart likes the idea of attachment parenting and never letting a baby cry, but my head just doesn't see that as being practical. Now we are faced with the decision of letting Bella cry a bit more in order to improve her sleep. Husband is more open to letting her cry than I am, although I don't know if he would be up for letting her truly cry-it-out which can go on for a hour or more. We let her cry for additional 5-minute intervals when she woke during the night last night, but I don't know if it did anything. We'll keep it up this week to see if there is improvement. There is a part of me that wants to try the gentle Ferber method of gradual extinction (such as B-tow mentioned in her comment on the last post), but then another part of me knows it will feel like hell to listen to her cry for extended times, even if it's just 10 or 15 minutes. While pregnant, I never knew how almost physically painful it would be to hear her cry. It leaves me feeling like I'm dying and the only way to live is to rescue my baby. Some sort of weird innate mothering instinct, I guess.

We'll see where this next week takes us. If Bella keeps this up, I know Husband is going to want to push to try something more intense than 5-minute crying bouts. And I will probably want to try it, too. But...I don't know. There's that whole "I'm dying" feeling that I like to avoid, not to mention that it leaves me feeling a bit guilty to let her cry. And isn't she too young to be left to cry-it-out, even for short intervals? Although, if she got better sleep, that would be better for her, too. And a non-zombie Mama during the day is surely better than the unshowered shell of a mother that I've been the past few days. Arrrrrrrgh. What to do, what to do?

Warm Mess

"Warm mess" is infinitely grosser than hot mess, isn't it? Conjures up an image of stepping in a fresh pile of cat barf, methinks.

Thank you so much to all of you who reached out to me via comments and emails. I really appreciated it and it helped bolster me up. I e-love you!

Anyway, I'm doing better (hence being only a warm mess). I forgot to tell you all that part of my problem was that Husband had been out of town on Wednesday night, leaving me without my partner-in-crime to relieve me when the going got tough. He came back last night after Bella was already in bed, but was able to help with her first few wakings (10:30, 11:30, 12:30...), which enabled me to catch up a little on my sleep. And now he's working from home today to help me catch up even more on sleep and on life in general.

She was a doozy again last night, probably woke up a total of 8 times. It's not even that she wants to wake up to eat; she just wants to be up. A friend emailed me with the thought that maybe she is working on a developmental milestone. She is getting really close to rolling over. So maybe she'll officially roll over today and then we can all sleep well tonight. Or not. Probably not.

It's amazing how you can simultaneously deeply love and be completely frustrated with one little person.

Hot Mess

Sometimes I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this total and complete lack of restful sleep. Supposedly most babies get easier after 3 months, I swear that Bella has gotten harder. Her sleep has gone from good to bad to worse to last night's shit-tastic over the past couple months.

I was up over 10 times last night. It's my fault, I suppose, since I decided to transition her to her crib in the other room rather than spend another night in the Pack n' Play in our bedroom. I optimistically thought that this might help her to start sleeping longer stretches again - perhaps she was being woken up by me or Husband moving in our sleep. And my back could not take another night of putting her in and out of the stupid Pack n' Play (which requires bending down almost to the floor - ergonomics be damned) a million times. But the change was a failure. I could get her to fall asleep there, but not stay asleep. So what to do tonight? Kill my back and wake up 7 times or go easier on my body and wake up 10 times? It's so very lose/lose.

So, anyway, she slept crappy and now she is fussy and crabby and miserable today (not unlike myself). Right now she's quietly fussing on and off in the swing and I'm letting her. I don't know what else to do. I have nothing left to give at this point.

20 minutes ago she was screaming and I was holding her and trying to soothe her and I started bawling myself. Loud, gulpy sobs with tears streaming down my face. Suddenly she stopped crying and I looked down. She was smiling at me, thinking I was playing a fun game. And just like that I smiled, too, even though she has been infuriating me today. And then she started crying. And I started crying again. And repeat.

This is rambling and pointless, but I don't have the energy to care. I'm feeling like a failure as a mother since I cannot figure out how to get her to sleep. I'm certain that all the other babies her age are sleeping better. Sometimes I think evil thoughts like I would rather have a baby that sleeps through the night than one who can sit up on her own. What's the point of advanced physical skills when it comes with remedial sleep skills? I know, I know - it's a terrible thing to think.

I know I need to be more consistent with her when she wakes up, but I don't have the energy to do that. Plus I feel like the only way things will improve would be if I became immune to her crying or develop super-human abilities to go a whole week without sleep and spend all my time gently soothing her through the night.

So that's me right now. A hot mess.