This Time I Cried

A little disclaimer on this post.  In talking about trying to conceive and my frustrations with it, I am well aware that four months is nothing compared to what some couples go through. I hesitate to write about our struggle (can I even call it that yet?), for fear of offending anyone.  But, at the same time, I have a drive to write about what I'm going through and my experience is still authentic, even if I am barely scratching the surface of having a hard time getting pregnant.  I guess I just want you to know that I'm trying to maintain perspective on our situation, but sometimes you just have to let it out, even if it's not completely rational.

I stayed true to being "hella goal oriented" this past month.  (I like when I look back at what I wrote and am all, "Wha? Since when do you say things like hella?"  K, whatevs, weirdo.)   I've stepped up the exercise and do six days of running or the Shred in addition to my usual random walking with B (thank you to Katie for our daily emails for accountability!).  I have done a ton of crafty things and made strides in the Week in the Life Project.  I cooked most days (not all of it's up on the food blog yet and/or I was making recipes I've already posted).  I've blogged a bunch, although not the meaningful posts I meant to write (those feel like homework, hence procrastination).  So all that was good and helped take my mind of The Great Baby Quest of 2010.

But then during this past two week wait, I could feel my hopes getting up there once again.  Were my boobs unusually sore?  Hmmm...I've been peeing way too much, right?  Was that a cramp?  I think...I wish...I hope...

I'm not.

And this time, unlike the previous months, I was disappointed enough to cry.  Not a big old cry or anything, but I gave in to a couple minutes of hot tears streaming down my face before putting on my running shoes and knocking out 3 miles on the treadmill while Bella took her nap.  A controlled amount of self-wallowing and pity following by a "Buck up, soldier!" run.  Which was all very good and healthy of me, but I DON'T WANT TO BE GOOD AND HEALTHY.  I want to be pregnant.  Like now. Like yesterday. Like four months ago.

My consolation prizes of sushi, wine and all the dolphin-swimming-a-girl-could-want aren't helping this month.   I'm starting to feel a teensy bit jealous when I see or hear about people being pregnant with their second kid, which is just dumb.  I think back to all those status updates I posted about being pregnant on Facebook the last time around and I am completely ashamed of myself and lack of sensitivity.  I no longer find taking pregnancy tests to be a fun lab experiment and the urge to buy pregnancy tests at Target is gone; internet cheapies will suffice.  A little voice is whispering, "Secondary infertility?" in the back of my head, which I shush.  Now I know that, for me, it takes four months for this process to go from fun to frustrating.  I feel really frustrated.  And disappointed.  And inpatient.  And, just, GAH!  Why do I have to deal with the emotional disappointment of not being pregnant at THE EXACT SAME TIME as being all hormonal from my period?  [Shoving a cookie into my mouth.]

One good thing that is coming from the passage of time is that both Husband and I feel that much more ready to add a second baby to our family.  Back in June there was still quite a bit of fear in both of us about what a second baby would mean to the family and how it might disrupt our lives and leave us completely spent and exhausted.  Now, though, I feel much more confident about my ability to manage two babies and can picture it in a happy way, as opposed to not being able to picture it at all because how could that possibly work?? Husband has recently made a couple comments about being ready for our next baby, which is a change from early in the summer.  We are ready.  More than ready. 

There is a "Womb Available" sign clearly lit up in my uterus. My nutrition status is great as my folate stores are excellent and I'm chock-full of omega-3.  I am fit and exercise very regularly.  I have the brilliant plan of how I'm going to tell Husband when I do get pregnant.  I have a cute t-shirt in size 2T that says "I'm the Big Sister!" for Bella to wear when we tell the grandparents. Our ducks are all in a row.

And so we keep trying.  Hoping this time, this month, it will finally work.