I don't think I'll be as good of a mother once I have more than one kid.
There. I said it. The thought that has been lurking in my head for a while now, pretty much ever since Bella was born.
It's interesting. I was always quite confident that I would be a good mother and, as it turns out, I am a good mother. For the most part, I enjoy the often-boring toddler activities, can marvel at the tiniest accomplishments, and have quite a bit of patience when it comes to the infuriating. (To be clear: I have patience with Bella. I have no patience when it comes to anything else in this world.) But that confidence in my ability to be a good mother crumbles when I think about having more than one kid to manage. You'd think it would be the opposite - I would be MORE confident in my abilities as a mother now that I have experience. So why would I lose my mama skillz once we add a new baby to our family?
Here's the thing: a new addition - a new addition that is a baby - means that my sleep is going to be dramatically reduced. And that really scares me because sometimes I feel like I'm not totally functioning on my 7-8 hours of sleep most nights. I was a 10-hour-a night sleeper for all of my adult life until pregnancy. Sleep and me? We were real tight, yo. Why, I could sleep that much and then take a nap on top of it! I am a prime example of sleep expert Dr. Weissbluth's of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child claim that sleep begets sleep. Mmmm....sleep.
Just how much I depend on good sleep for normal functioning came to a head this week. Bella's sleep went all wonky for several days and she was only getting 9-10 hours of interrupted sleep at night (waking 1-2 times in the middle of the night) and taking only hour-long naps. My ability to function went out the window, which is ridiculous, because her "bad" sleeping isn't really that bad. By Thursday afternoon I was unshowered, crabby as hell, and could barely muster the energy to half-heartedly wipe off the Chipotle smeared on Bella face off after dinner.
And that's what scares me. This is what two kids will be like ALL THE TIME. In fact, it will be way worse that than because I will be trying to wipe Chipotle off a fussy toddler while simultaneously nursing the second baby. If I am not capable of handling a few nights of semi-crappy sleeping, how will I possibly handle upcoming YEARS of crappy sleeping? And the chance of both kids naps overlapping so that I could catch up on my own sleep a bit seems unlikely. Even if their naps did overlap, what are the chances that I would be able to fall asleep given that my mind will be racing with all the other things I should be doing? Chores! Blogging! Phone-call making! Exercising! Crafting! Even relaxing! Seriously - how will I stay sane?
For real - how does this work? How do people have more than one kid and not lose it from the sleep deprivation? Do people just adjust? Am I being princess-y about sleeping? Will I be haggard-looking with dirty hair and have kids covered in Chipotle for the next few years? Should I maybe just not worry about this type of thing until I'm actually pregnant and/or delivering said future baby?* HALP!
*Um, yeah. That would be the normal thing to do.
Girl, I am right there with you. I'm just going to tell myself that a second child will make me less... uptight, shall we say? Maybe mind over matter works for sleep. If you tell yourself you're not tired and are well-rested, maybe you'll feel better? I have no idea and I'm no help. I am also very curious how to nurse a baby every two hours while having a crazy toddler running around.
ReplyDeleteoh man. i think about this all the time. i am so chronically sleep-deprived and sometimes it makes me feel really crazy and claustrophobic. because there is NO ESCAPING IT. and i know it'll be like this for so long.
ReplyDeleteand then i realize that this shit is easy now. when she naps i can do what i want. if i want to stare into space while she throws pots and pans around i can.
and what about the fact that i want 2 more kids?? is that even doable? i know i'll love having actual KIDS but the multiple BABY phase?
i think you're like me, tho (plz take this as a compliment?) that things like perfect baby outfits (HOW DARE YOU KEEP BELLA IN A PAJAMA TOP) and perfect you outfits aren't top priority. i think that srsly helps.
anyways. i'm just blabbing b/c oh right -- i'm sleep deprived. i think you're gonna rock the multiple baby thing tho -- no doubt!
Three options exist: You will adapt to whatever life throws you, or you will go insane, or you will die. I choose to alternate between the three on a regular basis, b/c you know, I like variety.
ReplyDeleteMy sons are 18 months apart in age. Maybe I blocked it all out, but it really wasn't that bad. Basically you can't do everything! Sometimes one child will have to cry for a few minutes while you are dealing with the other one. I know that sounds sorta bad or mean, but it is the truth, plus I really think this is one reason why my 2nd son was so easy going- he knew he might have to wait a few minutes.
ReplyDeleteAs for sleep, I was very fortunate that I had a very very helpful husband who likes to get up in the night with babies. Also, their naps did sync up eventually. Thanks to lowering my standards of tidiness and Sesame Street, I am still sane (relatively) and alive.
Now that my youngest is 3 and things are so much easier, we are going to try for #3.
Amen to what Nicole said! One baby will cry and you'll let them while you tend to the other.. or to the overloaded washing machine, etc. And sooner or later, they will start to nap together... eat the same things, etc.
ReplyDeleteMy girls are one year apart. It was TOUGH the first few months and then tougher once the youngest started to crawl (older one got very defensive) and I'm sure it will go up and down.
When I thought that nursing an infant and trying to feed a one year old breakfast was super tough... I mastered it and it was easy.
You don't have time to yourself. When you do have time to yourself... you are doing dishes, cleaning up the lunch mess, etc.
BUT! You can do it!!! It's hard. But joyful! Just like life was before you had kids-- you have no idea until you go through it. And the few first tough months will result in a lot of joyful moments when you see your two children playing together... peacefully.
"Will I be haggard-looking with dirty hair and have kids covered in Chipotle for the next few years?" Yup! But it will all be worth it!!
ReplyDeleteI hear you! I've been feeling a little freaked out about this very thing. I feel like I'm a great mother to Roscoe, and that's where my achievements end. Work? Gets the short end of my attention. Husband? He gets nothing (horrible!). Me? I get to workout and blog, but everything else falls to the wayside. Friends? Other family? nah. no time. It feels a little crazy right now. Basically, there are two hours at the end of every day that I get to choose something to do, and EVERY night, I choose to sit on the couch with Andy and watch tv (and blog, or multitask) because I just can't muster the energy to do anything else. I have no answers, only empathy. :)
ReplyDeleteAt first I was excited thinking about how a newborn would be a "break" since Andy could focus on Roscoe's care, and I could lay about nursing and doing what new mom's do. And then I remembered that he will go back to work after a week or two and I'll be left with two babies, SOLO. I also worry about how the extra stress, and even less sleep, and more demands, will pan out as far as our marriage goes. I'm sure we'll survive, but making babies and parenting young kids is no joke. I'll be following this thread to learn from our collective wisdom!
Thank you all for commenting. I can't say it's making me feel better (ha!), but it's good to hear both from those who look to the future of multiple kids and from those who live it. Sounds like I may need to adjust my expectations on 'me time' for a few years. And I also need to remember that FEW YEARS part, as in, it's not FOREVER.
ReplyDeleteBut if there is no time to blog, I'll go crazy. CRAZY, I tell you. I neeeeed me time. I needed a lot of it before I even had Bella. Not gonna lie -the future seems really scary.
Hm...maybe it will be time to hire a part-time nanny when we double the number of kids in the fam? I kid, I kid. Kind of.
My adjustment to two kids was tough. I remember Elisabeth being a few months old and thinking that I was doing something wrong because I *never* got a break. One kid is nice because if the husband is on duty, then you can be off duty. With two, you're always on.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, the transition from two to three was a snap. The kids can't take MORE than 100% of your time and attention! Once you're used to chronic sleep deprivation and exhaustion, life is easy.
My mom always said that kids are like cats - one is like none and two is like ten. We will be waiting a little longer to add #2.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your next one will be a great sleeper! Bella has many great qualities, but I did feel rather bad for you when you wrote that she only napped for 45 min. at a time. I'm not an expert, but I think most babies sleep more than she has. (trying to give you hope,here.) :0)
ReplyDeleteOMG telegawoman's momma has the best wisdom - -my other favorite gem was "I was never so popular as a mother/wife than when i was on the phone or in the bathroom" it's hilarious and true -- just like the cats comment. ha ha. I have 2 -- (now 4 and 1) and i liken the initial homecoming to inviting natural disasters to merge in your living room for several months. However, you get used to it. Schedules and routines DO emerge. You DO get used to not sleeping, and you MIGHT even enjoy watching "without a trace" reruns at 4am while nursing. ... and then your baby will start walking and you will miss the snuggles and the innocent days of 4am feedings, so much so you might start thinking about #3! (but then your kid will throw a tantrum over milk and that'll snap you right out of it.)
ReplyDeleteGirl, every one of those thoughts have been running through my head, too. I am going to venture a bet that, like any ginormous commitment in life (marriage, home ownership, career choices, kids...) if we ever knew just how hard it would be, we'd never do anything. Sometimes I take comfort in the fact that the very fact I'm worrying about my ability as a parent makes me a good, conscientious one. If we didn't have these questions and worries, that would be more cause for concern. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get some sleep....;)
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