Writing "Fumbling" as the title immediately made me think of Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, the Sarah McLachlin CD. And then I went down a well-worn spiral of thoughts that include how my freshman year roommate would listen to Sarah McLachlin or Dave Matthews obsessively when she was having a sad moment, usually related to some boy situation, and how that was always a nice warning signal to tread carefully. Satellite was a signal: woe is ahead!
But I digress.
So. I feel like I'm fumbling. Like I mostly have my shit together but there are so many balls that I keep dropping and GAH it's annoying. Husband and I were on a date last Friday to celebrate my 32nd b-day (woo hoo! book store, sushi, and leisure furniture shopping FTW!) and I was trying to explain it to him. "It's like I keep trying to grab onto a leash. Get a hold of things. But then it slips out of my hand again and I'm left scrambling."
After making fun of me for using the analogy-heavy blog-style way of speaking to him, he acknowledged that he knew what I was talking about.
I just feel funky and off. Not miserable and depressed, just unsettled.
I'm sure it's related to the fact that we moved a month ago, that Husband just got a new job (same company) and it's an extremely busy time at his work (as in he worked much of the weekend and is doing 12 hour days this week), and both kids are waking up most nights (Oliver in a more dramatic fashion, but waking up is still waking up.) So in spite of the life changes being positive, it's still been kind of stressful. Plus there is the old townhome to fix up and get rented and that takes up any free time Husband might have.
And how do I cope with stress? Attempt to organize everything. Also: read a ton, drink wine, eat cookies, bite the occasional nail. (Some of my coping skills are more advanced than others...)
I find myself making to-do lists and then leaving them around the house, where they are useless since I won't find it again for three days. I'm looking at organization blogs here and there, looking for a magical prescription for getting my life organized. I even went so far as to create a weird Venn diagram one day while I was in the playroom with the kids, trying to sort out just what it was that I needed to do to feel in control. But the circles drawn with brown magic marker and words like exercise, chores, writing, budget, meal planning just left me feeling like I had more stuff to get done and not enough time to do it. And I know that I need to cut out the dairy (and probably gluten) from my diet, but I just. don't. want. to. However, the bloated state of being isn't really doing much for putting pep in my step.
When I step back, I can see that I'm still keeping up on a decent amount of stuff. Laundry gets done, including cloth diapers. I'm making meals...sometimes. I exercise here and there, or at least walk a decent amount with the kids in the stroller. I blog and sort of keep up on my blog projects. So I'm still getting things done, touching on all those things that make me feel sane & calm, but it's not happening in a Type-A fashion. It's a fraction of what I want to get done. And Type-G is not my preference. Type-G means more is left unfinished and undone than completed and it's driving me bonkers.
Yes, yes. It's a season. The kids are young, it passes (right? hopefully?), things will get organized. There will not always be a baby throwing everything out of every drawer as I take five minutes to get food prepped.
But still. It feels so PESKY to not ever have a stretch of time to tackle things. How I would love to knock several things off my to-do list instead of one getting half completed on the weekend. When my parents eventually move here, I think they might take the kids off our hands for a night here and there. That sounds just dreamy. The kids do not do well with me hanging around the house while a babysitter is here (they are big Mama fans) so I only get a little pocket of an hour here or there with the house to myself when Husband or the babysitter takes them for a walk. And half the time I just want to sit on the deck with a book and a glass of wine when I get that moment for silence.
This is venturing down Whiny Road. I apologize. But this is my brain dump of the day and I don't want to take the time to comb through and polish up these posts like I used to. I think I just need to pick a few things to do and stick to it. Like meal planning, a chore check list, and getting my butt to do 30 minutes of exercise everyday. And then just do it. Put my Type-A tendencies to good use, even though it will only be accomplishing a fraction of what I want to get done.
Maybe I need to hire a high school babysitter more often since our current sitter is only coming every couple of weeks in mostly a date-night capacity? Maybe I need to get a house cleaner? (Insert budget grumbling from Husband here.) Either option makes me feel weird and not really what I want. What I want is to be better about my time and more disciplined and more on top of things. Somehow. But then I remind myself that I'm probably doing good enough...
Anyway. That's where I am. Caught in a brain loop of wanting to get things done and not being able to and haven't I written this post about five times already? :) Maybe - probably - this has everything to do with the fact I haven't slept through the night in weeks. I'm happy with my life, just plain delighted by it, but, man oh man, the lack-of-personal-time and lack-of-sleep part of young kids can be wearying some days.