So yesterday I had a bit of a Jessie Spano moment at Husband over how much we have to get done around the house and in general. I told you all that I have been solo parenting for a couple weeks given Husband's crazy-time at work. Then Saturday was his b-day (happy birthday!) and I wanted him to have a nice day, especially since there have been two absolute failure years recently due to me having the pregnancy pukes. So we had his sister & my nephew over for four hours since it was also my nephew's birthday and I did 90% of the kid-stuff the rest of the day so he could relax and, well, by Sunday I was about as fried as I could be.
Because there is just so much effing shit I need to get done and that Husband needs to get done and no time to tackle it.
The leaves are not bagged, we still don't have blinds (or living room furniture) and live in a fishbowl on display for the neighborhood, my bank account overdrafted because Husband and I didn't communicate on two separate bills, the fire alarms have yet to be switched out to replace the sketchy ones, the furniture isn't attached to the walls which is such a danger to Oliver, my damn cat keeps peeing on the basement carpet despite a vet visit and tests and meds and ridiculous $35 kitty aromatherapy and expensive pee cleaners and then there is the fact that I switched us to a brand new vet because we moved but then the vet never returned any of my phone calls so I have to switch again and OMG why can't I get a fucking grip?
Everything keeps piling up or getting messed up and I just cannot, cannot, cannot stay on top of it. Seriously. I'm not trying to make Pinterest shit or put festive holiday decorating around the house. I'm just trying to fold a load of laundry or file some papers. On Sunday I tried to question if maybe I've been too much of a lazy slacker, since I do watch a little TV at night and sometimes I take a nap during the day, but uh, no. I'm not slacking. I do more every day than I ever did in my life. I just simply have x amount to give and x+1 amounts of stuff to do.
And I can now officially say that Oliver is getting his 2-year-molars. I don't even understand it, how is he such a special snowflake of the teething variety? He is only 16 months, has 16 teeth completely in and now two more are pushing through on the top. He has really and truly been teething nonstop for months (though I guess I did get a 2 week break in early November) and he is not an easy teether. AT ALL. Then when you pair his current high-needs state with the normal challenges of a 3.5 year old (the very definition of trying, according to many), I'm just worn out and worn down.
So I have to step back.
I'm calling my mom to say I can't prepare Thanksgiving dinner. We will buy something, pizza even, and she and my dad are still welcome to come over with the pie & sweet potatoes they were going to bring, but I can't handle turkey and mashed potatoes and the rest of it. Especially since we are having a separate gathering for various relatives on Friday.
I think I'm done with Project 52. I am 6 weeks behind and now my photos may or may not exist given my broken computer and AHHHHHH. Stress I don't need. I don't have to do that. So...done. [Quieting failure/guilty feelings as I write that, sigh.]
I will continue to exercise daily, probably half-assed-like outside with the kids, but I'm not going to blog every day. Too tricky without my computer. I'll report back to you next Friday or Saturday on what I did. Sorry to let those down who were along on the ride! Would love if you still chime in with what you have been up to.
And a sitter will be hired. Maybe multiple - a neighbor girl for a nighttime dates and some day help on a regular basis. I need at least a few hours each week (if not more) at least for the next year while the kids are young and still so very needy. I feel absolutely dumb when I think that that there are plenty of people out there who can manage beautifully all on their own without hiring help, families with situations one thousand times more challenging than my own, but I have to accept that I am not someone who can do it all with a smile on my face. I need to come to peace with that fact and try to let go of the self-judgment. I also have guilt over how privileged I am to be in the position of hiring help when I already have so many good things in my life, but letting myself go to Crazytown is obviously not reasonable. I have the means so I need to take advantage and again, try to put the guilt/ick feelings aside.
I will continue to look for other areas in my life that I can just set aside or cut out or possibly give up. And I will try to phrase it as simplifying my life, to quell the Debbie Downer rearing up in me.
And now, to publish this mess or not? Why not? I doubt I'm the only one who feels this way.
But before I put this out into e-land I feel like I need to throw in the message that I'm fine, really, I'm just burnt out. Thanksgiving will provide a break since Husband will have a couple days off plus the weekend. I'm sure I'll look at this post on Friday and think, "Whoa, there, Missy. Best make it a decaf day!"
Okay, the baby is awake and the preschooler is crying because she can't open a water bottle (that is very sad, to be sure) and we have a park to visit because it is magically warm out.
Since I will not talk to you until later this week: Happy Thanksgiving!